Tonight, 8 pm, Bela Dubby, 13321 Madison Ave.
Carrie Callahan's Roast!
Hosted by Mr. Zachariah Extra-"Durr"-nary
Lots of comics said they would perform. Too many to name.
Come out, get drunk, get livid with Carrie.

Comic Geniuses Live Among Us


"I gotta get out of this city. It's too hard to pay child support in this city. It's easy to make a baby, because there's nothing else to do here. But it's hard to get the money to pay child support."
- what the guy behind me in the checkout line at the grocery store said.

Where have I been and what am I up to?
I am moving from Cleveland to Chicago in two weeks. I do not have an apartment (looking for something in the city of Chicago that would allow a 40 pound cage-trained dog, $400-600 a month), or a job (legal assistantship is my trade). I have to sell my car ($800 for a 94 Honda Accord, needs a new battery and it's brakes bled, will need the timing belt replaced according to the manual's timelines, please email me at hablarconcarrie@hotmail.com if you want to see it). It was my last day at my job here. I have been procrastinating at figuring these very important things out. I have been choosing not to think about it instead. I have instead been keeping my social calendar full.
Why am I moving in two weeks? Because Sept. 1st has been my goal date for awhile. It's a little arbitrary.
Why am I moving to Chicago? YAY YOU'VE HIT THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT JACKPOT! because Cleveland doesn't have enough open mics for me- because i've spent 20 out of 25 years in Cleveland- because everyone in Cleveland has dated everyone in Cleveland- because there are too many people in Cleveland who know my previous incarnations (toddler, awkward and unhappy middle-schooler, law student)- because I barely know a soul in Chicago- because I barely know anything about Chicago- because it seems crazy to move somewhere with so many unknowns- because however my life goes in Chicago it will only be able to blamed on me.

Whew. That's why I haven't been blogging, because keeping myself too busy to blog also keeps me too busy to think through all these pain in the ass huge important details. But now I really got some stuff to figure out, and quick.

You are a better person than you give yourself credit for.
Evidence:
1) Remember that guy in the suit with the shiny yellow tie you saw downtown who was talking with a Bluetooth headset? And you heard him say, "We're billing them $275,000 dollars." And you thought, "Ha, I should go right up to him and tell him he looks like an asshole." But then you thought about it some more and thought about how that would make you feel if someone did that to you, and you didn't do it. That was very good of you.
2) Remember when someone was telling you a story and there was a much more interesting conversation going on on the other side of you, and people were laughing it up and from what you could hear it was a topic you would've had something funny to say about too? You still let them finish their story, although you couldn't force yourself to ask them a question about it and you could tell they really wanted to keep talking. That's alright, you did what you could.
3) Remember how you really wanted a cappuccino the other day, and in particular you wanted the short cappucinno at Starbucks, because actually, you really like Starbucks and their counter people are always so nice. But instead you went to a locally owned place where it takes their barista 15 minutes to heat up the milk and he makes a really sour face at you and their tables are wobbly? Heaven-bound!
4) Remember how that receipt fell out of your bookbag and you really wanted to leave it on the ground, but you put it back in your bookbag and maybe 4 years from now you'll finally put it in the trash? Your city appreciates it!
5) Remember when you played with that American Standard Bulldog puppy at the pet store and it hit it's head really hard on the floor? You heard a loud clunk, but then the expression on the puppy's face didn't change at all? And you thought, "Oh yeah, I can see why these dogs would be good for fighting?" But you never bought a dog and trained it to fight other dogs to the death to put money in your pocket? That's everyday heroism.
6) Remember when you were hanging out with a group of people and a guy mentioned he had gone to a strip club and you glared at him and didn't say anything for awhile. And then someone asked you what was wrong and you said, "I don't feel safe here anymore." And because your friend had driven you, you made them leave early and drive you home even though they'd been having a good time? Your friend may have gone back after dropping you off, but that sure made everyone think.

Strategy for Happiness
I have been trying to take more responsibility for my happiness. I have ambivalent feelings about complaining. On the one hand, I think the first step to addressing a problem is articulating a specific complaint. Recognizing when the world is being unfair to you seems to be a very healthy survival tactic that I wouldn't want to dissuade people from using. On the other hand, I personally can get really bogged down with all my complaints. Especially if I don't get enough sleep, and it's a monday morning, and it turns out the way the workforce in the U.A.E. is structured is a sign of everything wrong with human nature, and so is the status of women in Japan, and the women who wrote 'Skinny Bitch' think I should give up coffee because it's keeping me fat, and I got a sunburn on saturday even though I'm 25 year old and have known for 15 years that I have little to no pigment in my skin and should not be outside in the midday summer sun without a burqa on.
Any person with control over their moods would look at that list of complaints and ask, "So what?" That's a very reasonable reaction. Doesn't work for me though, because asking myself "so what?" sets off a set of complaints about my character, namely:
1. I am a whiner
2. I am privileged
3. I am ungrateful
4. I am clueless about real suffering
5. I am a bummer
6. I am needy
7. I am obnoxious
8. I am never going to trick a man into marrying me
9. Because it is impossible for me to keep my faults under wraps past the 3rd date

But I have a pretty good strategy for getting back to being happy. I accept all my complaints as true, and then ask "what would it take for someone in those circumstances to be happy right now?"
Using, the complaints I thought up this morning, it would go like this:
If it was monday and I was a sunburned, caffeine-addicted, overweight, tired, whining, privileged, needy, obnoxious, ungrateful bummer of a person who was clueless about real suffering, who was never going to be able to get married because her faults are so brazenly displayed, and who lived in a world with bunches of disgusting inequalities, what would it take for me to be happy right now?
LOLcats. And Beyonce. And coffee. (Just what you would expect.)

I don't need to tell you R. Kelly has a way with words.

I wanted to do a post about R. Kelly's most ridiculous song, not including "Trapped in the Closet," which had the nation befuddled for a good 4 months. Nixing that song, I'm having some trouble picking out the R. Kelly song that most flouts lyrical convention.
Here are my contenders and their most ridiculous lines:
1. The New One: "Same Girl" with Usher


"She drives a black Durango/ license plate say “Angel”/ tattoo on her ankle
Plus she’s making pesos/ got a crib on Peach street right on 17th street
And I call her “TT”
-Wait a minute hold on dawg.Do she got a kid?
-Yep
-Loves some Waffle House?
-Yep
-Do she got a beauty mark on her left side of her mouth
-Man?
-Went to Georgia Tech
-Yep
-Works for TBS
-Yep"
Let no one ever say of the Kells that his character are undeveloped. I know more about this woman than I do my cousins.
2. The Song that Makes all the Girls Go Outside to Smoke: "Feelin' on your Booty"

"Now you're body's got me feelin' like spending
With a backroom I could come to live in
And your hair weave looking kind of pretty"
Kind of pretty? You could live in my butt but the hair weave is only looking so-so? At least you can trust him to be honest with you.
3. The Song that Both Invites You to Get Down and Gives You a Major Reason Not To: "Half on a Baby"
Embedding is disabled so you have to follow this link.
"So baby open up, and get ready to recieve
a miracle of love, gettin down with me."
Going half on a baby does sound like you're splitting the cost of a baby, right?
4. The Most Awesome Song to Play at a Houseparty: "Ignition Remix"

"We got food everywhere as if the party was catered."
vs.
"Round about four you have to clear the lobby."
R. Kelly will not misrepresent his parties. They are NOT catered, ok? They're great parties, but he doesn't hire a caterer. Also, the hotel wants us out of the lobby by four, there are other patrons trying to get some sleep.

Meet John Adams!

Hello!
My name is John Adams. I'm the representative from district 78 in Ohio. I have got a great idea.
You know how when you were a little kid, you had to get a permission slip from your parents to do anything fun in school?
I was thinking, let's make adults do the same thing!
Except, instead of just having permission slips to do fun things, we're going to have permission slips to avoid sustaining a life inside your body for 9 months!
I think I explained it pretty well in this article:

"Led by Rep. John Adams, a group of state legislators have submitted a bill that would give fathers of unborn children a final say in whether or not an abortion can take place.

It's a measure that, supporters say, would finally give fathers a choice.

"This is important because there are always two parents and fathers should have a say in the birth or the destruction of that child," said Adams, a Republican from Sidney. "I didn't bring it up to draw attention to myself or to be controversial. In most cases, when a child is born the father has financial responsibility for that child, so he should have a say."

As written, the bill would ban women from seeking an abortion without written consent from the father of the fetus. In cases where the identity of the father is unknown, women would be required to submit a list of possible fathers. The physician would be forced to conduct a paternity test from the provided list and then seek paternal permission to abort."

Now let me reiterate, I'm not pushing this bill to draw attention to myself. That would be very un-politicianlike of me. I'm a shy man, and considered drafting this bill using "Anonymous," but it turns out you can't do that. You learn something new everyday! Especially when you're drafting laws and you don't have a law degree! (Some people learn best by doing.) I don't think this will stir up controversy. Most people are in agreement that when you have sex with someone they get to make your medical decisions for you. That's why I haven't got my rosacea treated; I haven't been able to track down Susie from last weekend.
Of course, this is only the first step. As I said, fathers should have a say in the birth or destruction of the child. ( BTW, aren't children so cute when they're at that awkward clump of cells stage? Or a little bit later, when they're all head and no thumbs?) So a good next bill would be permission slips to give birth. Actually, I should've started with that one. Maybe just a form that says, "Do you like me being a mother? Circle yes or no."
As a representative, my first priority is to the people of district 78. Sidney is a lovely town. We all have high paying jobs, every child goes to college for free, everyone gets to see a doctor as soon as they feel sick, there are no car accidents, no one gets hurt at work, no one is in debt, our air and water is completely clean, and our town scientists are working on a perpetual motion machine. So, as you can surmise, even though my job is supposed to be advocating for the people of Sidney, there's almost nothing for me to do! The ONLY problem the citizens of Sidney have, and the only thing I have to work on, is that having sex with someone didn't mean you got to control their life. But rest assured people of Sidney, I am working on it.
Actually, the people of Sidney have been having some problems with their dental hygienists- I'm working on that too.