I am a busy and important person.

Since my temp job started I've been feeling very very busy. Tonight seemed like the last chance for awhile to go grocery shopping, and I also vacuumed and mopped the floor. I mopped the floor with water, dish soap, and white vinegar, which I think I read about people doing. Hope I did. Whatever, at least pushing hot water around on the floor will make it cleaner than it was before.
I guess I'm feeling kind of frazzled. I'm worrying just to worry.
You know when I ride my bike down Milwaukee the WHOLE TIME I'm thinking: is that car door gonna open up, is that cab going to turn into me, is another biker up on my ass, am I going to ride into a parked car and flip over in front of an oncoming bus who will drive over me? Jesus. I need to calm the fuck down. I'm riding on mountain bike tires, so I'm going about a half mile an hour anyway.
I got two caramel apples from the building I'm temping in. The package says there is 150 calories in a serving. I thought, how reasonable! But an apple is two servings. Which is so gross, that you would share the caramel apple with someone else or eat half and save the other half for later. Ew, your spit is all over that caramel.
I made a pot of vegetarian chili last friday and have been eating chili all week. I'm almost at the end of it. Very frugal of me, and very gassy of me too. But I've been eating it for lunch so the gas usually kicks in when I get home, which is fine with me. Farting by yourself is kind of fun. Especially if the dogs react to it.
I had to explain why I was vegetarian today, which kind of makes me feel like a dumbass. I'd like to say, "I was seeing a boy who was vegetarian, and it just seemed like something to do." That's 60% of the truth. Another 20% is I wanted a trick to make me stop getting fast food for lunch at work, another 10% is it's better for the environment, and the other 10% is I'm poor, so I could only afford really shitty meat anyway. Meat covered in cow brains and dung. From China. Dyed red with a lead based industrial lubricant. Grilled to perfection!
But then I was thinking about how I depend on frozen and canned vegetables, which are shipped in from south america anyways, and doesn't that raise the carbon emissions of my diet anyways? Make your own fart joke here. And......here. And one more.
I read about a million 'frugal' blogs, 'voluntary simplicity' blogs, ' reduce my impact' blogs, etc. It's a little funny because they're all about choosing a simpler lifestyle, but I think I had to simplify my lifestyle or else I would be on my way back to Cleveland right now, broke. But maybe not- maybe I could've gotten another credit card or something. I guess I'm wondering whether I'm just into this stuff because I'm poor right now and when I get some extra money if I'm going to get into voluntary extravagance instead.

Two things
1. I perform in the showcase at Zanie's tonight! Send lots of good thoughts my way starting at 8!

2. I want a solar oven. I want I want I want. You can bake bread in it! You can boil water! You can make crockpot-like recipes in it! You're cooking outside! You're not creating any carbon emissions!
When did you become an environmentalist, Carrie?
When I realized there was so stuff you could BUY to help the environment.

Before Biking to Work

I love biking to work. Very much. I'm not an athletic person at all- the only sport I played in high school was track for 2 and a half days. It doesn't make sense to me and my self-image that I would bike to work. So when I get to work after a bike ride I am amazed at myself, and suddenly the possibility that I might secretly be a virtuous, motivated, thin person looms large. That sounds like a great way to start the day, right?
And yet, it takes me all morning to convince myself to bike instead of bussing or El-ing it. And I HATE the El in the mornings- it's very claustrophic and slow. If I take the El, I start the day feeling frustrated and sleepy and fixated on personal space. And I'm out two bucks.
I'm going to have all winter to feel sleepy and crabby. I must bike to work. It's settled.

ALSO: Britney's new album is AWESOME. I cannot GET ENOUGH. Gay iconhood here she comes!

I'm gonna take you to the Opera.

I've been thinking a lot about sex workers this weekend. I'm watching 'Pretty Woman' right now, and when Jason Alexander tries to rape Julia Roberts in the hotel room he says, "Maybe I need to screw you, maybe I need to take you to the opera." (Because Richard Gere took Julia to the opera, which opened up her provincial, L.A. prostitute mind.) It sounds like a euphemism though.

I like 'Pretty Woman' a lot. Yes, it is a highly un-realistic film. Some people think that it's un-realistic because what street hooker looks like Julia Roberts? I don't know, I think there are probably some really pretty street hookers. And definitely there must be really pretty non-street hookers out there. Also, she's not on drugs, and it's common knowledge that hookers hook to feed their drug habit. Except I was watching a COPS type of show that picked a young woman up for hooking on Sunset Boulevard, and she said she lived in Compton and flew down to L.A. once a month to spend a weekend hooking, because she could earn her entire rent in that weekend while her mom watched her kids. She had a normal day job in Compton, and she didn't have any debilitating drug habit. So I don't think it's preposterous that Julia Roberts doesn't have a drug habit. No, what's actually un-realistic about the movie is that a businessman would secretly have a heart of gold. But isn't that message of hope why people like the film? There are both businessman and hookers out there that can turn their lives around.

At the Lincoln Lodge this week our variety act was some films that are going to be in a documentary about the 'Stone Burlesk,' which was a burlesque house in Detroit. The films were black and white clips of women stripping, and some super tame clips they used to show outside of the theater to bring guys in. The latter were kind of silly, and I couldn't see the sexiness of them at all. One was of a girl trying to golf, but she kept missing the ball, so she got on the ground and used the golf club like a pool cue. Of all the clips, that's the one that offended me.

So at a bar after the show someone asked, "Do you think the women in those films were whores or just fun girls?" I asked, "You mean whores in the technical sense?" He said, "No, whores in the sense that they'll take their clothes off for anyone."
I think that's always a problem for us girls: where is that line that separates whores from fun girls? It depends on the person judging you, and what their goals for their interaction with you are. If you make out with a boy at a party, he'll call you a fun girl, and his ex-girlfriend will call you a whore. Then the boy will call you a whore when he gets back together with his ex-girlfriend. Then the ex-girlfriend will call you a fun girl years later when she's forgotten about him and you've been buying eachother shots during the Michigan game. I got called a whore last halloween for wearing a sexy nurse costume. I was later informed the guy who called me a whore was a big republican headed to law school, and I'm sure it was very upsetting for him to see a happy girl wearing a costume that implies she's confident other people would like to sleep with her. Life is so simple for us happy, confident half-naked girls, and so complicated for judgmental, insecure, delusionally entitled guys.

I've only been to one strip club, with a bunch of law students. (Law students are the craziest partiers I have ever known.) I had not realized how hard strippers work. They dance really hard for 5 minutes, then 15 minutes later they have to come back and do it again, and in between they're hustling lap dances. One girl in my group kept screaming about stripping being degrading for women. I don't know about degrading, but it did look difficult. Honestly, if you've ever waited tables, you know better than to run around calling other people's jobs degrading. One guy in the club was being a real asshole. He was throwing ones at a stripper's butt while she was on all fours shaking it. Then he was PICKING UP THE ONES HE HAD ALREADY THROWN and throwing them again. I wanted to kick him in the nuts. This woman is engaging in a simulation of submission so he can have his ego stroked, and he's being a cheapskate. All dollars that are thrown are now the stripper's dollars, you insecure maggot.

But, it was strikingly similar to a customer I had when I was waitressing. His family had 6 people in it, they were all rude and loud, then he paid the bill by whipping out a billfold full of ones and counting them out loud to me. But he counted them out wrong, and paid me 3 dollars less than what he owed. If I had been shaking my ass at the time, at least I would've gotten some exercise.

Once you've stopped believing that the only acceptable way to have sex is to be part of a young and spunky heterosexual married couple who are excitedly charting the wife's vaginal mucus, how can you justify using 'whore' as an insult? There are lots of people in this country who have become millionaires by producing nerve gas, and nuclear bombs, and agent orange. Then there are other people who have become millionaires by having slaves put together their sneakers, or pick their tomatoes. There are people who become millionaires by being LAWYERS. I say paying your rent by taking off your clothes or having sex is the more ethical route. It doesn't pollute the air, no wars are started, you don't have to install any dictators. You don't even have to send out junk mail. Worst comes to worst, someone's marriage falls apart. Credit card and video game companies have similar blood on their hands.

"Uh oh," some of you who are aware of my money situation are thinking, "Is Carrie now a stripper?" No, I'm not that brave. If I have to pick my getting degraded poison, I'd rather be a temp or a waitress. I couldn't deal with all the people who would hold stripping against me. I could barely deal with that republican calling me names. (And if I could go back in time I'd plant my red high heel in his eye, and strangle him with my plastic stethoscope.)

I just kind of wish "whore" would stop being an insult, and people would start using "defense contractor" instead.

Here is a really good post about why it's time to get rid of Chief Wahoo.

Personal details!

I might be getting sick. Or I may have worn myself out last night. I hosted the open mic at the Globe Pub last night, in which 37 comics did 4 minutes each. It was a marathon, but it wasn't miserable. The crowd was really good, the comics all brought their A game. But I did wear out my voice, and then I biked home in the rain like an idiot. I have no fenders on my bike, so when I bike in the rain the back wheel sprays the water right onto my butt. I have rain pants to put over my regular pants, but they're not working. Because they're in my closet.
To fight the sickness I made myself garlic-cilantro-Mrs. Dash hot spice mix soup for breakfast. And I have some fancy orange juice which someone left in my fridge this weekend, so I'll be hitting that pretty hard.
I live my life in constant expectation that a day job could call me up and want me to start right now, right away, get down here! I simply cannot get sick. Or actually, I could get sick, but I really don't want to deal with it. I'm already at home all day: being sick would just mean I would sleep a lot and probably shouldn't go out to open mics. What's the point?
Time to walk the puppies. Laila is whining up a storm.

SuccessTech Academy Shooting

One of the teachers who was shot at SuccessTech in Cleveland today was my eighth grade math teacher, David Kachadourian. The Plain Dealer said he was taken to Metro Hospital in "good condition," and I hope that's completely true. Also I hope his family is doing ok, considering, and they're with him and he's awake. Let's all put a lot of happy wishes and prayers in their direction; they're all good people and hopefully the good karma they've accumulated is kicking in and his recovery will be a fast one.
There was an article about him in the Plain Dealer, and I hope once he recovers he appreciates that it is exactly the kind of article everyone wants written about themselves. It is true though, he is a good guy. And not just because he rides his bike everywhere, although that is part of his appeal.

UPDATE: Here's David's Nightline interview last night.
It's good to see that he's safe.

OSU beats Purdue, everyone else in China.

I was a freshman when she was a junior.

NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS

I'm now a castmember of The Lincoln Lodge. I'm performing there this Thursday and Friday!
You should come out!

No sensuous hugs, kids.
Perhaps you've read in "News of the Weird" that a principal in Oak Park has banned her middle school students from hugging in school. She says the kids were forming hug lines in the hallways between classes and it was disruptive. She also says some of the hugs were too long and too close.
Before we get into the topic of hugging, can we all agree that middle schoolers are little shits? When they're not tracing cartoon characters or going down on one another, they're finding new ways to act like jerks in the school hallway, setting up their principal to institute a ridiculous policy that'll get her on the local news. Congratulations, maggots.
HUGGING DURING MIDDLE SCHOOL: I am against it, and I was against it when I was a middle-schooler too. I did a lot of theater back then, and one of the facets of theatrical culture is that everyone in any given cast has to be deeply appreciative of and physically affectionate with everyone else, no matter how much of a simpering idiot they may be. In fact, the simpering idiots will probably be constantly enveloped by a proud castmate saying things like, "I've watched you grow so much throughout this production." Every rehearsal of "Joseph and the Amazing Yada Yada Ding Dong" was filled with my classmates hugging one another- classmates who fought eachother for dominance on the playground like vicious little tommy hilfiger-clad schnauzers.
As you can surmise I have always had deep issues with people being nice to eachother. It creeps me out.

But although I am against hugs and affection and middle-schoolers, I am not and have never been against music videos. Here's some I've been compulsively watching.

Kate Nash- Foundations

Then you'll call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarassed and I won't give a shit. HELLS YEAH. Lyric of the year!

John Legend- Used to Love You

I like this video because it reminds me of this guy who was dating me just to get to Kanye West. Fucking gold-diggers.

The White Stripes- You Don't Know What Love Is

This song is awesome, and I do believe was written about me (which is kind of creepy, that Jack White thinks that much about me) and also how about Meg White looking so pretty while totally covered up? Unlike....

......the next video for my Wall of Hate, a solo effort by the most hot Pussycat Doll

You know what's sexy? A woman getting kidnapped and crawling all over the inside of a box. Then crawling on all fours over hot coals, doing yoga under some stage lights, and drowning. You can see how these signals of attraction were programmed into our ancient ancestors to best maximize fertility.