Christmas Chucklef*ck
Tonight!
8 p.m.!
Bela Dubby!
13321 Madison!
free!

Featuring the return of Carrie Callahan and Zachariah Durr. With a special appearance by the Jingle brothers!

Jamie Lynn Spears: Not really that messed up


It isn't the worst thing in the world to get pregnant when you're 16. It's not even a sin. I guess the sex before marriage was a sin, but it's a sin nearly everyone commits. Even people who wait end up having sex outside of marriage when they divorce, so whatevs. Now, I don't like all of this "taking responsibility" language that the article in OK! had. A baby isn't a punishment for having sex. You shouldn't have a baby to prove to yourself or others that you're a responsible, ok person. If you get pregnant at 16 and carry that kid to term, it should be because you evaluated your circumstances and thought the upsides to having the kid outweighed the downsides. The upsides: your life now has a purpose, you have a new person who loves you, you get to stop making garbage like "Zoey 101." Downsides: financial stress...oh wait, doesn't apply to her, disrupts your education....again, doesn't apply, affiliated with your high school boyfriend for the rest of your life....there's a chance Jamie Lynn sees this as an upside.

So I'm saying Jamie Lynn's decision to have a baby makes a lot of sense, because she has more incentives on the baby-making side than the abortion side.
Oh, another incentive: I read she didn't find out until she was 12 weeks along. So 3 months into a pregnancy starts to get into "accumulating moral guilt" territory, and that's a powerful disincentive.

I don't like framing having a baby as a sacrifice. The universe is not a better place because you have a kid, unless you do an awesome job, and hardly anyone does. Having a baby is a blessing for you, not for anyone else. You get to procreate, because you're in the financial and medical position to do so. There are LOTS of people who are not, and don't get to, and the number increases all the time because of the amount of chemicals we put on our food and bodies and the lack of food most people on the planet have to deal with. Jamie Lynn is rich, she has a support system, and the career path she was on was meaningless and possibly harmful to the nation's youth. So she's lucky that motherhood came along when it did for her.

Will her being pregnant encourage the nation's girls to dismiss condoms and hormones? Well, our abstinence only sex ed courses already accomplished that. I had a friend in college who quite seriously told me that condoms don't prevent the spread of HIV because there are holes in the latex that are just small enough that they catch sperm but not viruses. His belief illustrates the sorry state of not only sex ed, but science ed in american high schools. We live in a country where people don't understand how liquid borne viruses spread. (Brief synopsis: A liquid borne virus can't just wrangle itself free of the liquid. Un-broken latex will contain body liquids. That's why nurses and doctors wear latex gloves. They wouldn't bother with them if viruses and bacteria from your diseased blood, spit, urine, etc. could fling themselves out of the liquid through their gloves.)

16 year olds (much less college students) should understand the mechanics of virus transmission, and shouldn't be given sex ed that contradicts it. You can tell them, "The only way to completely protect yourself from babies and sickness is to not have sex." But if you don't follow up with "But using a condom that you can be reasonably sure hasn't broken, because you haven't stored it in your wallet or on your dashboard, and you don't try to wash it out and reuse it, is a really great start" YOU'RE LYING BY OMISSION.

Here's my sex ed curriculum:
1) Keep your spunk to yourself
2) Get enthusiastic consent from your partners
3) Condoms overwhelmingly work


Ok, I'll admit, this post is a little fragmented and weird, and I don't have any concluding thoughts. Why not comment with your sex ed basics or your vehement disagreement?

Comedy News
TUESDAY I am at Chicago Underground, $5 at the Beat Kitchen. Jared Logan, Dan Telfer, Brendan McGowan, Ricky Carmona, and Team Submarine are all performing. That's a lot of bang for your comedy buck.

WEDNESDAY I'm hosting the Comcast Open Mic* at the Lincoln Lodge. It's 5 bucks and a great chance to see bunches of chicago comedians do their clean sets. Comcast will tape and show the footage on their OnDemand channel in about a month. ALSO starting the 23rd look for footage from last month's show on the OnDemand channel (if you live in Chicago).

NEXT WEDNESDAY I HAVE A SHOW IN CLEVELAND. Me, Zachariah Durr, and Bill Squire are all going to be home for the holidays, so there's going to be a special Chucklef*ck on wednesday at Bela Dubby. I'm psyched. I'm going to wear high heels and makeup and it'll be all material from Chicago.

NEW YEAR'S EVE IS CHUCKLEBOWL EVE. The Lincoln Lodge is throwing a bowling/pizza/comedy party at Lincoln Lanes. Tickets are $25 and entitle you to free bowling and pizza. There will be a comedy show featuring Steve O. Harvey, Allizon Lieber, and Mike O'Connell. There will be hilarious videos shown throughout the night. Go to www.chucklebowl.com to buy your tickets, this event did sell out last year, so the earlier the better.




*Despite evidence to the contrary, this is not an open mic.

The Hostess with the Mostest.

That's me, tonight. I'll be creating an atmosphere of relaxation and enthusiasm for the audience at the Lincoln Lodge, deftly bridging the moods each performance creates. I do hope you'll come see the show. Tonight Michael Sanchez, CJ Toledano, Mike Shehan, Mark Vana, and cartoonist Joe Fournier will perform. It's $10 dollars at the Lincoln Restaurant, 4008 N. Lincoln, starting at 9.

If I don't see you tonight, what are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve? Bowling and seeing live comedy? What a coincidence! The Lincoln Lodge is throwing our annual bowling event/ comedy show/ pizza party at the Lincoln Lanes this New Year's! Tickets are $25, and that entitles you to free bowling, pizza, and laughs. Steve O. Harvey, Allison Lieber, and Mike O'Connell are performing. We're also showing the best of the best funny videos from around the country throughout the night. It should be raucuous. You should probably buy tickets at www.chucklebowl.com now, since it did sell out last year.

Also, I made polenta last night! I made polenta, then I made spinach/mushroom/tomato sauce to put on top of it. It was very filling and delicious. I've been thinking about making polenta for, oh, 4 years now. Another weapon in my culinary arsenal has been forged.

Did you know Chicago's city council is going to vote on whether to ban chickens?! Because roosters make noise, and all kinds of chickens make chicken crap and chicken carcasses? City people shouldn't have to deal with that! Country people in very specific locales should have to deal with large lakes of chicken feces that sometimes break their clay walls and release their overpowering stench throughout the locale! Instead of a city having to deal with a chicken carcass in the trash, a company should periodically go through a mountain of chickens in tiny cages and pull out those chickens that have rubbed their skin raw on the wire cages and collapsed from blood loss and infection. If city people want eggs, they can go buy them in styrofoam containers, thank you very much.

Needless to say, I think you should call your alderman.

Happy Monday!

I love you, blog reader. I can say this with confidence because 13 people read this blog daily and I've figured out (pretty much) where each of you know me from. So rest assured, I love you gentle blog reader, and hope that your monday is going off without a hitch.

I had a good weekend. I went to the library, paid my fine and got a bunch of books. I've read 'The Kid' by Dan Savage and 'Once Upon a Quinceanera' by Julia Alvarez and they were both pretty good. 'The Kid' was better. I got some books I already know I won't finish. One about women in guerilla movements and 'The Jane Addams Reader.' Who am I kidding? I'm interested enough in those subjects that if a special on them was on PBS I would watch it, provided 'The Hills' wasn't on. I doubt I'm interested enough to sit still and look at book pages for hours.

I bought some bras and high heels this weekend too. I am TOUGH on bras. My bra drawer (it's actually just a crate) is filled with dingy, stretched, strings hanging off of them bras. They all look beat the fuck up. So now I have new bras to beat up, and in return they will give out on me suddenly and I'll spend two months with my boobs hanging to my knees before I drag my floppy ass to target again.

More importantly HIGH HEELS. I got a pair of blue fake suede ankle boots and a pair of black fake suede high heels. I got them from Payless, and I was worried about them tearing my feet up, but so far so good. I wore them around the apartment baking bread and mending pants, no shit. Sometimes you have to get all the masochist-female stuff out of your system at once.

Also I watched Youtube videos of my favorite disney musical numbers. The disney movies I was into as a little girl were Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. All three heroines start off the movie anxious to leave the confines of their small french town/royal compound/ocean and explore the world! And what do they find out in the world but the men/animals they are supposed to marry! Immediately. First face they see. Oh, and none of the heroines have moms, but they all have loving, bumbling, 2 foot tall dads (except for Ariel's dad, who is BUILT) whose authority they have to undermine to get out into the big bad world. They are all stubborn, curious, compassionate young ladies, and that's what attracts their man/animal to them. That and their oversized eyes. Then we're left with some questions about what the heroines are going to do with that curiousity about the world that found them the husband.

I think the next disney film to come out was 'The Lion King,' which I had zero interest in, since it's about a boy lion who never has a big ballgown reveal.

The role of mothers in Disney films would be an interesting dissertation. There are these 3 films about motherless girls finding their husbands, and then there are 2 films about completely orphaned male animals becoming top lion/buck of the animal reserve. I didn't see Mulan, and I think the computer animated movies are grating, so I shouldn't be the person writing this dissertation, but someone out there in internet land should do this. Is there some freudian gender competition being played out in these kid's movies? Is the Disney patriarchy avoiding showing female authority? Why do none of the gowns in the Disney bridal gown collection look anything like the gowns in the movies?



I would have some respect for you if you wore Jasmine's bra and balloon pants at your wedding, but what is this bullshit?

I am a Champion.
I rode my bike to work today. Yes through snow! Yes through temperatures in the twenties! Yes, yes I did!
What I wore:
underwear
bra
tights
t-shirt
socks
sweatpants
flannel
sweater
hoodie
plastic pants
raincoat
mittens
scarf
knit cap
helmet
shoes

That's a lot of clothing folks. It's more clothing than my bookbag can fit in it.

I'm tackling my seasonal depression this year. Last year my strategy was going to bars a lot. Surprisingly ineffective! This year I've decided I'm going into work an hour later and leaving an hour later. This gives me time to walk Laila in the sunlight in the morning, and also lets me bike to work (and home from work) after rush hour. So that's about two hours of being out in the sun every day. Hopefully that, and the exercise, will keep me from getting the blues. Also hopefully this temp job will last through February, since my work letting me come in late is a key component of this.

LINCOLN LODGE

This blog is supposed to be for self-promotion, but I use it for self-contemplation more. Well this is a promotional post. I'm in the cast of The Lincoln Lodge, which puts on standup/variety shows at the Lincoln Restaurant every thursday and friday. Fellow castmember Jeb Cadwell has been editing up a storm putting highlight videos together. Here you go!

News You Can't Use

It's snowing in Chicago. I got lots of errands done this morning before the snow started, because I rule. But the night stretches out before me in cold wet emptiness. No, I am being DRAMATIC. However, I do need some companions to go to the Burlington with me. It's a block away from my apartment and they have lots and lots of DJ's. Logan Square, let's represent. Ourselves. In Logan Square.

I probably have not told you about my amazing bread-making abilities. Simply by putting to use the no-knead recipe featured in last weekend's new york times, I have created 4 tasty loaves of bread, two white and two onion-rosemary. Today I will make wheat. I will eat this bread with soup. Homemade yellow split pea is currently in the fridge. Is your mouth filled to capacity with drool at my cooking? Don't choke, go to the sink and spit it out. But not on the dishes!

I have fallen for a handsome man named Todd Snider. Hopefully we will be married in a reasonable time (next June?) and I can move to Nashville to be with him. Nashville will probably be a tropical climate by next June, which would suit me better than snow.



Happy birthday estranged ex!

There are lots of pretty women in tall boots in this city. Girls, how am I ever supposed to get a missed connections ad written about me if you keep stealing all my thunder on the morning commute? Proper morning attire: office pants, big coat, hat, eye crust. Not proper morning attire: tall boots, made up face, hair products.

My horoscope says I'm supposed to get a lot of money this month. Which is good, because I'd like to get a full body tiger skin tattoo and I don't want to put it on my credit card. So universe, send that scrilla my way.