Hamburger Mary's, Trip to Boston/ New York, Sex and the City

Here's what you should be doing friday and saturday night:
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I am psyched for this show. Hamburger Mary's has frozen alcoholic drinks that come out of slushi machines. I don't know how it could get any better.

Also, from June 20th through June 23rd me and Cameron Esposito will be in Boston! Then we're taking the chinatown bus up to New York, where we'll be until June 27th! So if you are in Boston or New York email me (carriefromcleveland@gmail.com) and I'll get you the show information. I'll post it here to, but if you email me it'll light a fire under my ass to ask for that info.

Now: Sex and the City comes out today. By the end of the weekend I will have seen this movie. Don't spoil it for me.

Lots of "Sex" hatred, but generally not among the women I know. Yes, a lot of the show was a consumer fairytale, although that's every show on tv, so I don't know why "Sex" is special in that regard.

I think what is pro-woman about "Sex" is that the female characters were allowed to have flaws without being train wrecks. Those women could be really obnoxious, and they all created many humiliating situations for themselves. Which is WHAT I DO, and that's why I love the show. But despite all the falling on their faces, they all continued to be just fine.

And as for the characters being obsessed with their relationships? Women should be obsessed with their heterosexual relationships. The moment you stop being vigilant about that is the moment you end up in a harem in Antarctica. Constant monitoring and careful thought about what kind of bullshit he's trying to spring on you is called for. And yes, you will fall for that bullshit over and over and over. That is just par for the course when you bone dudes.

And what else are women supposed to be obsessed with? Our jobs? Our boring, pointless, soul-numbing jobs? Men aren't obsessed with their jobs. They're obsessed with collecting DVD's and what CMJ is saying about some band they vaguely know. The ones that act like they're obsessed with their jobs are actually obsessed with whether other people see them as powerful.

I relate most to the character of Miranda. Miranda could never pull off sexy like the other women, and was accomplished enough that she believed it shouldn't matter to her, but then of course not being sexy bothered her. Remember the episode where she started telling men she was a flight attendant, because when she told them she was a lawyer they stopped being interested? And the episode where she met the couple who posted an ad for a third in a threesome, got the affirmation that they indeed were attracted to her, and then left? Goddamnit I relate. When you are not a sexpot character you try so hard to master the role.

I think the main theme to the show was women trying to force themselves into roles it appears they should be perfect for, and then having it all blow up in their face, and figuring out who they actually are from those failures. Charlotte's first marriage, Carrie's move to Paris, Samantha's countless sexual humilations. People accuse the show of glamorizing casual sex, but almost every instance of sex ended with some funny embarassment. When Carrie got broken up with by Berger with a post it note, and then tried to be cool to his friends in a bar, but ended up freaking out and coming off as a psycho? If that hasn't happened to me already, it will at some point. I probably just blocked out the memory.

If you leave a woman around my age in an apartment with the DVD's of that show, she will eventually watch the whole show in a three day marathon. And no, most of us could give two shits about the shoes.

The Plight of White

Who saw the front page story on the NYTimes yesterday about what young people are going in New York to stay afloat? Who knew that all young people in New York are white, and have jobs at advertising agencies?

The NYTimes is so concerned about young white people. How stressful it is for them to get into top universities, how they tear their ACL's playing soccer, how they live in Buenos Aires for a spell to save money, how they're forced to buy their makeup at drugstores (but will never give up their designer shampoo, because you have to set boundaries or you will lose yourself forever).

It kinda makes you hate young white people. Which is not a healthy reaction if you are a young white person. Maybe not a young white person who went to a top university and buys designer shampoo, but still, on the global class scale I'm pretty close to these people. Someone from Kenya would look at my distinctions with disdain.

A lot of talk about "Millenials" for me yesterday. I watched a really dumb 60 Minutes segment on Millenials and how difficult we are to manage. (Poor bosses!) They used footage from an anonymous office where a dude with a mohawk ran a meeting around some coach cushions, and a barefoot dude listened half-heartedly. This was apparently at Young People's Industries, Inc. Another piece of trivia- overwhelmingly, millenials are white dudes!

An advertising executive told Morley Safer that when millenials were in the Little League we all got trophies just for participating. And we were constantly told how special we were. Wait, we were? Do I have some trophies waiting for me that I never picked up? I thought the case looked bare.

Oh bosses, I feel your pain. I guess to convince us to sell your poisonous household sprays you will have to let us skateboard into work at 4 in the afternoon, walk around your office barefoot, and have meetings in the yoga studio. And still we might abandon you to write novels in Thailand. Can we get a paid sabbatical for that?

Or maybe you buy us some health insurance or pay into a pension. I would stick around for that.

At the End of This Post is a Depressing Video

Until then, I'm going to keep things upbeat around here.
The garden is entirely planted, overwhelmingly due to my room mate. But I did help a little on saturday. And I'm on the evening watering shift. That's nice and relaxing, sort of like doing the dishes. It's nice to have discrete, easy tasks to accomplish during the day.

I got wind that Laila got in a fight with a seeing eye dog. Ha! Right outside the co-op grocery I used to work at. Ha! Those seeing eye dogs think they're such hot shit. Just cause you're a helper dog doesn't mean you're better than me. I mean Laila.

No, I'm sorry, blind person who had to deal with that. I'm being serious.

Oprah is doing a 21 day detox which is a vegan diet without bread, sugar, or caffeine. I thought, I'm almost there on the vegan front, maybe I can go without the rest of that stuff for the rest of the week. Nope! Toast this morning, then coffee with three packets when I got to work. Oh well. Oh, and creme in the coffee, so I didn't even stick with the veganism.

I don't know if I really buy into fasting or detoxes. I think eating a bunch of fiber will clear the toxins out pretty effectively. But also, I'm not good at impulse control, so I've never done either one. Well, I've done very very very short fasts for religious reasons.

Once this job is over, I want to try biking to Cleveland. I think it'll take me 3 days. I'm not planning on biking very fast. I need to take some full day trips on the weekend to train.

What if that was my schtick? Biking all around the country doing gigs. Free as a bird. I'd have to learn how to take my back wheel off before starting that project.

Ok, so here's the video that will make you angry. If you aren't immediately angry, keep in mind all these people pull down at least six digits presenting this bullshit to the public.

Evita...

...makes for a fulfilling saturday night.

Don't get me wrong, it is lame to stay in and watch a movie on a saturday night. Unless you've found a romantic partner, then it's just a natural part of your decline into a two headed couch monster. But no, if you are an unattached singleton, staying in on a saturday night is a travesty.

But man, do I love Evita. WoW. I pretty much want all my political dramas explicated in song.

The only better musical is "Jesus Christ Superstar." Think of all the people who have been slaughtered in the name of Christianity. Now think of "Jesus Christ Superstar." It totally evens out.

I was a poli sci major for awhile at OSU. OSU's poli sci department when I was there was BIG on promoting the ideology of free trade. I took a Latin American governments class, and this was when I was a really bad student anyway, and I was totally confused when we learned about Peronism. Because my teacher taught Peronism as a form as of fascism, and I couldn't make it square with Madonna marching with the workers.

I coulda gone to the library to figure it out, but I had pothead anarchist tail to chase.

Also, Wikipedia wasn't such a presence back then. It turns out my poli sci professor was being kind of a fascist.

Point being, musicals will not give you intellectual ammo to combat right wing professors. But gosh does Madonna make corporatizing unions look glamorous. And uterine cancer.

But still, I don't want to get behind Juan Peron. I will get behind the movie Evita however. Jonathan Pryce!!! Directed by Alan Parker, who also directed The Commitments!

My mom hates Andrew Lloyd Weber stuff because people are always talking-singing in his musicals. I LOVE IT! Makes it that much more likely that one of these days my conversations will turn into duets.

The Daily Themes

1. Bikes
I got my bike back from getting it's cassette replaced, and getting a tuneup, and getting a RACK ON THE BACK WHEEL. My parents bought me the rack, and a new rain jacket, and a quick fix saddlebag, and a net you can use to strap things to the rack. Generally, possessions won't make you happy. EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF A BIKE RACK. I've been staring at people's racks for a year wishing I had one.

Go ahead, take the quote out of context for humorous purposes.

Bike people are annoying to non-bike people. Believe me, I lived in Carrboro NC, I know what it is to be annoyed at bikes (and recycling, vegan options, hemp clothing, hula-hooping, career plans that involve zine libraries, etc.) What's cool about Chicago is that the line between bike and non-bike people is blurry. Sure there are 22 year olds wearing keffiyehs whizzing down the street on fixed gears, but there's also lots of straight looking people biking to work. The bike community gives off an inclusive impression. No matter how slow you are, there's someone slower out there. In fact, they're right in front of you, and it's difficult to pass them. And they're probably me.

If you are thinking about visiting Chitown, maybe rent a bike for transportation. It's usually faster than public transit. And WAY faster than driving.

2. Search for Guidance
I want to read some Barbara Deming.

3. Grasping for Fame
Kate sent me a link to Emily Gould's article in NYTimes magazine. It's interesting to think about what you want to get out of your self-promotion. I want to be famous, but not superstar famous. I'd like to get John Prine famous. I'd like people to pay many tens of dollars to see me perform, but I'd like to get recognized on the street only a couple of times a week. I imagine John Prine can run errands without necessarily having to talk to strangers about being John Prine.

Why You Should Have a Blog and Be a Comedian

I performed in Lauren Vino's show "Lady Parts" last night. First of all, Lauren is incredible. It was a really fun show to be a part of. Go to www.gorillatango.com and buy tickets for her upcoming shows.

It was EXTRA incredible for me because I met two people who said "We read your blog!" and described themselves as "fans"! What?! Really?! Oh my gosh, so awesome. And what they didn't know is there was someone in the audience I was trying to impress on a personal level and do you know how attractive it makes you when people say they are your fans?! It was so kickass.

Then this morning I got a comment on my blog from my freshman year history teacher. That's a big deal because in high school I was a history fanatic. The history teachers at my high school got lots and lots of face time with me, because I always wanted to argue about whatever we were learning about. The fertile crescent, Chartres Cathedral, Robespierre- you can imagine why a teenage girl would have extremely strong feelings about all these things. I remember in Mr. Huston's class we read Gilgamesh and we had to do a big end of semester project. I wrote a short story about two buddies during the Jewish exile to Babylon, and there was a sex scene in it! Tastefully done, of course.

My 2nd place trophy from the Ohio History Day Competition is on my parent's mantle. Because I put it there. Also I touch it every time I go home. I won it for my slideshow about Cesar Chavez and the formation of the farmworker's union. The theme of the year was "Migrations through History" and I never could sufficiently justify how my topic was related to migration. They're MIGrant workers. That's from the same latin root as migration, so what's the problem? There are lots of really good photos about that topic, so the judges let it slide.

Emily Rapoport's computer presentation about the migration of southern blacks to the industrial north, and the resulting birth of ROCK'N'ROLL beat me at both the city and state level. I don't know; computers? Rock'n'roll? Kind of gimmicky, right?

Point is, having a blog will reconnect you to your past and impress dates. What more could you ask for from your computer? (Besides going to the National History Day competition in D.C.)

Oh, this is really good.

Hello Wednesday!

Oh shit, it's wednesday! You know what that means! Free Will Astrology Day!

"The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight for it," said British attorney Sidney Littlewood. I don't endorse that assertion, since it's an offensive ethnic stereotype, but I do want to borrow it to create a cautionary message for you. Please make sure that in the upcoming weeks no one can say to you, "You don't know what you want and yet you are prepared to fight for it." I definitely hope you aggressively champion an idea you believe in or a dream you care about, but you should get clearer about what exactly it is.

Uh oh. That sounds hard.

I like horoscopes better when they're like, "People really want to have sex with you right now! Have fun!"

Instead of giving me tasks in figuring out my life plan. No, actually, this is exactly why I'm addicted to Free Will Astrology. And why I'm not addicted to MSN horoscopes, where they either tell me "You're tired! Stay in tonight!" or "You have an irresistible glow right now!"

I always have an irresistible glow. And I'm always tired. (Not true Mom, I don't need any vitamins.)

I can't get over that ukelele version of "Gone." If you are a songwriter, and you will only have one hit song, I think it should be a breakup song. The other major themes of love songs- "You should like me my loving is whoa" and "You are so great no one else can understand how great you are"- are lame. They're lame because even people currently experiencing those feelings know that's not the whole story. You feel that way, then 10 minutes you're like, "What is with how cold this asshole's feet get?" But "You are the source of my suffering and I'm fighting for my life trying to get out from under your shadow"- now that's some true shit.

Not that I don't believe in love, lovebirds. I had pet rats who loved one another and slept on top of eachother every night, and Jasmine died, and Daisy was never the same afterwards. Love is real. I just think the best medium for expressing content love is sleeping on one another, and the best medium for expressing heartbreak is songs.

So- my favorite breakup songs!
One from Alanis, and not the one about Dave Coulier:


One from Elliott, which you can listen to when you lock yourself in your apartment alternately weeping and staring distantly at the wall building strength for more weeping:


One from Pink, which came out and didn't make any impression on the charts, but then like a year later starting selling well (I guess America had a bad year):


One from the Magnetic Fields, and really this band is all you should be listening to during a breakup:


And one from the Mountain Goats that my sister posted on her blog:


What is everyone's favorite breakup song?

This has made me really like this song.

Hos Up

I wonder about the value of reclaiming words. It can certainly make the shit-upon group feel better. Referring to yourself as a bitch gives you this feeling like, "That word can't hurt me, it doesn't even phase me, I'm stronger than that."

Defense mechanism! If you had no feeling in your face, and someone smacked you, the smack wouldn't even phase you. But you should still say, "Motherfucker, don't ever smack me again!"

I did a show last night where the words "bitch" "ho" and "cunt" were all used by comics before I went up, and I was the third comic. Of course, those words from comedians don't even phase me anymore. The audience was eating it up.

They didn't feel me. Oh well.

I'm just wondering if I should have acknowledged that I was indeed a woman, and that there had been a bunch of insults to women right before I walked onstage. Or maybe me and that crowd were just not going to connect.

I just wish there was a good insult for straight men. The only way to insult them is to call them women or gay, and those are actually awesome things to be. "Asshole" is ok, but lacks punch. What about "you played out piece of shit"? That's pretty good.

As for "cunt"- what's up with straight guys not liking cunts? What do they like if not cunts? I've heard straight guys talking about how cunts look like roast beef, and smell like rotten fish, and calling women cunts like being a cunt is the lowest thing to be. You know, you dudes don't have to have any contact with cunts if you don't like them. You don't have to look at any, or smell any. And if you get sick of crazy bitches or stupid hos, you don't have to date women at all. Did you know that? You're allowed to date dudes now. You can radically limit your contact with women if we really piss you off that much.

Straight men don't know what the fuck they want. They want intimacy with women, but they think they shouldn't. They want intimacy with men, but they're terrified that'll turn sexual and they'll get the crap beat out of them. That's the one thing straight men know for sure: they don't want to get beat up.

I've never had a man beat me up physically. I have been called a cheap whore, been humiliated, been called a bitch, been lied to, been cheated on, had my breasts and ass grabbed at on the street, had dudes jack off next to me on the bus, been called a prude, had my money and time and attention taken with no reciprocity, had strangers call me fat from across the street. It's all bullshit, but I am glad that all happened to me pretty early on in life, so I could figure out that I'm ok with putting myself at risk for that stuff happening again. You think I'm a cheap fat stupid slut bitch cunt whore? Go ahead and think that. You're the kind of person who thinks that bullshit about people, and that's not a surprise to anyone.

God, straight men, you can be so boring.

Also: the mimes straight male comics use for jacking off and having sex- dumb. You look dumb. We all know that's not how you have sex or jack off.
Stop being so repetitive.

Friday. Thank God.

I'm hosting Dwight Nights tonight with Jeb Cadwell, and we are going to be HILARIOUS. Cameron and CJ were hilarious last night, so we are going to try to beat them at hilarity.

Tonight the lineup is C.J. Sullivan, Brady Novak, Faye Canale, Kumail Nanjiani, and the Money Kids. Seriously, that's an awesome lineup.

I got a pretty hilarious voice message from my friend Justin in Columbus that I'll attempt to transcribe:

"Looks like someone's too important doing comedy to pick up their phone. Huh. Figures. Once you move off to the big city you just get too big for people. No time for us small town folk. You know what? I'm a school teacher, I'm a school marm. Can't talk to the school marm, can you? Oh no you can't. Too busy living in high rise apartments, riding the cabs, and the trains and the subways. Eating caviar..."

Almost as funny as the message Mike Fardal left for me before I moved singing a customized version of the theme song from the Hills.

You got it Justin! I got too big for my britches. You call Columbus a CITY? There's only a couple of thousand traffic lights. Not like a traffic light matters when you're trying to herd a stubborn runaway cow out of the street. But that's when you're thankful for the help of your 733,202 neighbors.

Columbus people, I'm really trying to put on a show in Columbus with me and Cameron Esposito in the last week of June. If you have any ins at venues that you think would be particularly suited for feminist comedy, please let me know. Also: what names are you guys performing improv under now? Do you want to put on a show?

The Charms of Navel-Gazing

I read a personal finance blog called The Simple Dollar everyday. It's an ok site. It's best when the author, Trent, talks about little tricks to save money. I get bored when he talks about how the best things in life are free, even though that's totally true and nice. And I get straight up annoyed when anything political gets brought up. Personal finance bloggers tend to have that most ignorant of conservative outlooks- anyone can make it if they work hard and save! Which is bullshit. It's a waste of a life- we're not supposed to be worker-bots. We have so much brain-meat because we're supposed to be lounging and thinking a lot, and then after much consideration creating a little something, and working hard and saving will stop you from doing that.

Is it a reality that in this society we have to work hard and save? Yes. Is it morally superior to do so? No. Also, didn't we settle this with "The Protestant Work Ethic"? I mean, I did.

The angriest I ever got at The Simple Dollar was his post on sexual harassment, because it recycled a bunch of myths about sexual harassment: it's flirting! it's a misunderstanding! if you just talk to the dude and explain you feel uncomfortable he'll stop! Actually, if you explain you feel uncomfortable and ask him to stop he'll most likely step it up and make your job even more awful, because you just challenged his dominance over you and now he'll reassert it. That's been my experience. Also, just try to get your boss on your side. You'll find out exactly how much your boss values your experience of work- which is not at all.

Oh my gosh, I just got angry again. That's not what this post was going to be about.

Ok, it's supposed to be about navel-gazing in blogs! Because today Trent's post was about how to get value out of your web-surfing, and one of his tips is that people generally don't want to hear about your cat.

I do not agree. I want to hear about your cat. Especially if you are going to pose your cat in funny ways. Dooce has an incredibly successful blog based on TMI. I especially love dating blogs, where anonymous people tell me all about the dates they set up on the internet. The great tragedy is that inevitably the person writing the blog gets partnered, and the blog stops. I found one where the author got a fiancee, but luckily kept writing about being a newlywed and how shitty it could be. That blog has gotten me through some lonely times.

Other things I like to read about: things you cooked today, your take on America's Next Top Model, how you were feeling down but then did some errands and felt better, ESPECIALLY WHO YOU ARE DATING AND PROBLEMS YOU ARE HAVING. Please please write about that. I know, it'll break you guys up. But most relationships break up eventually anyway. But the satisfaction you will gain from publishing the flaws of your significant other will be eternal.

It seems like bad advice, but it's not. Trust me.

I guess the caveat would be, don't write a blog post eviscerating your sig other while you're having a fight. Wait two weeks. Then you'll see your anger isn't going anywhere. That's the kind of anger you're going to have to be truthful about. Why not be truthful about it with strangers on the internet?

It's funny how scared we are of over-sharing. The cool thing about the internet is when you over-share there will be all these people who tell you, "I'm totally the same way! You eat food out of the trash? You like to get your toes sucked? You felt relieved when your mom died? I thought I was the only one!"

There's so many people on this planet, you are definitely not the only one.

One thing I tend to not be truthful about on this blog is my day job, cause I need to stack those dollas. But goddamn I hate that having a day job means shutting your mouth. But ain't no loans for sitting your ass at home.

The Blue Broke!

Does anyone else's depression work like a fever? You'll be depressed for 3 days, and you'll try everything to get it to go away, and then you wake up the fourth day and it's gone!

'Depression' may be an inappropriate word. 'Bad mood' may be more on point.

Ok, honestly, it wasn't an out of the blue breakthrough. My day job is ending in a month. I've been saving consistently, so this is not terrifying financially, and all I can think about is WHAT I CAN DO WITH THAT TIME.

Oh my gosh. Trips? Podcasts? Videos?

Now, one of my goals for this year was to add $5,000 to my net worth. I was ahead of schedule on that goal, so much so I was thinking of upping the goal to $10,000. But I think I'm sticking with the original goal now. Especially since I'll have some expenses for comedy coming up (press kit things). The ultimate goals are to be debt free by 30 and be a full time comedian. Which goal takes precedence is a matter of what opportunities I have in front of me- I think the full time comedian goal will take over for at least a month this summer.

I did a gig at DePaul last night and did 20 minutes. I was really happy with the quality of those 20 minutes. And the DePaul students were really cool- they were mostly under 21, so obviously they weren't drunk, and yet still were ready to laugh!

Oh, SO, I am going to be ultra-frugal this summer. Do not expect me to be drinking at open mics. Do not expect to go to restaurants with me. Do not expect me to see me in good-looking clothes. It's going to be lentils and rice and biking and whatever clothes I have right now from here on out. I'm just telling you now so there are no surprises as I morph into a hobo.

Summer summer summer!

Hey Hey

So before your parents have sex and conceive you, the universe wants to say something. Then your parents do it, and they make a human body, and the universe puts what it wants to say into that body.

But that body isn't the ideal way for the universe to communicate, because that body has all these weird limitations on it's expression. Where that body gets born, how much that body's parents have, what color the body is, what parts that body has. So you have to spend a long time identifying the limits on you, and how to get over them, and then beyond that trying to identify what the universe was trying to say through you.

But then it's even more complicated, because sometimes those limitations aren't just a faulty means of communication, but part of the message.

That's my cult leader message for the day. Obviously I'm having a weird week brain-wise. I think Laila being in NC is really starting to hit me, and I'm just having one of those weeks where I feel like I'm making everyone uncomfortable. And I catch myself being rude. Let's spin this positive and say I'm feeling very empathetic towards people with Asperger's this week.

Actually, you know what, let's talk about marijuana. I never knew anyone who smoked up and got into fights. I never knew anyone who smoked until they vomited. I never knew anyone who smoked then beat up their girlfriend.

I read that the temperance movement was largely about women's welfare. They noticed that all these men would go out and get tanked and then be fucking assholes to their wives and kids. They had a point. There are so many dudes who drink a 6 pack and suddenly you see them trying to get even with the whole world through pushing around the people unlucky enough to be at the same party as them. Ok, and lots of women turn into violent assholes too. You just have to watch one episode of the Real World to see how toxic alcohol consumption can be for the world.

Marijuana doesn't do that. Every asshole I knew turned into less of an asshole when they got high.

Now, I am not a violent drunk. I am a loving drunk, just like my mom. But I have been known to get drunk and cry, which again, never happened when I got high.

It's just so ass-backwards that selling marijuana will get you a prison term. Own a bar and you're pretty much assured that someone's going to drive home drunk from it and kill someone. And someone is going to get sexually assaulted either in your bar or on the way home from it. I'm not saying there shouldn't be bars, I am saying making some money off of marijuana carries much less risk of bodily harm to your customers.

There are lots of states where once you go to prison, you never get your right to vote back. Florida is one of them- part of the fiasco from the 2000 election was this contractor they hired to purge the voter rolls of names of people who had been in prison took off tons of people who had never been. So make some money off of selling marijuana, never get to participate in democracy again. Make some money off of selling alcohol, sponsor a softball team.

U.S. Government, you really expect me to take you seriously when you are so transparent? Or you just do not give a shit whether I take you seriously?

Ok, love you guys, take care, don't let your boss get you down today.

OH, show at DePaul tonight at the student center! And Dwight Nights this thursday, friday, and saturday! Friday I host with Jeb, and Kumail Nanjiani is back in town!!

edit: and here are pictures of bears on a playground.

Sorry, I was blue today

I like listening to this song when I'm blue:


I hope to find someone I can grow fat with. I think women get fat when they're happy- that's why there's so many heavy lesbian couples. I'd like to see some numbers on divorce rates and weight.

Introductions

One weakness of mine is that I'm an intensely negative person. I veer towards jealousy, and feeling entitled, and then feeling like I got cheated, and then morose-ness, blah blah. Which- well, lots of comedians own their negativity and it's who they are onstage and people really enjoy it. That's not me onstage though.

I feel like the 7 months you know me you think I'm really positive and nice, then you think I'm going through some rough times, then eventually you're like, "She's actually kind of a weird jerk."

I've been brainstorming taglines for my press materials, and what do you think about, "She's actually kind of a weird jerk!"?

Kind of. Actually.

Lots of people tell me to check out Maria Bamford. I appreciate the reminder, because I do really like her show on Super Deluxe and standup. I listened to her Sound of Young America interview and she was talking about the cooperatives she's lived in. Extremely funny. Very lovable; you really want to hang out with her after the interview.

Hey, leave taglines for me in the comments. That would help me out a lot.

People, I want to write a dating advice book. I have the title and everything. I'm not going to reveal it because someone will steal it. But I need to have some dating success or I won't have any credibility.

Quit holding out, hot people. Take off your pants. I need to make some money.

That's what a date is, right? When you're with someone and they take off their pants?

Ho-kay, we're almost to the weekend, don't get too desperate.

My Process

Bridget pointed out I'm making her sound like a big conservative. No, actually my sister is way way way to the left of the spectrum. And no, she doesn't want abortion to be illegal, she's one of those 'legal and rare' types. I would characterize her as more of a libertarian than me, generally.

Anyways, she's talking about visiting me two weekends from now, so maybe you Chicago people will get to meet her.

Kristy mentioned that some posting about the behind the scenes work of comedy might be appreciated. This week I'm working on some new material about women's magazines. Here are the steps of that process:

Step #1 Think of one kind of funny thought and don't do anything with it for 2 months. My thought was about a Cosmo article about 'Tricks to build your confidence' and that a really good trick would be to buy Cosmo and put someone who looked anything like me on the cover.

Step #2 Think of second funny thought. I read lots of fat acceptance blog (go check out kateharding.net) and one of the common themes is that people restrict what they eat as though it makes them more ethical people. Like, I was good and had oatmeal for breakfast vs. I was bad and ate a tub of ice cream. When in actuality, if you eat a tub of ice cream no one gets hurt besides you (because you will get a stomach ache, trust me). At the same time, most of the process behind our food supply is hidden from us, so we end up missing the ways that what we eat are ethical choices. Are the people picking your tomatoes slaves? Do people starve to death because of American corporate farms being privileged in World Bank arrangements, and what moral responsibility do American citizens and consumers bear for that? What conditions are unacceptable for the cows we eat to be put through? So I saw a recipe for a "Sinful Chocolate Cake" right after seeing an article about why buying fair trade chocolate was important and wrote a joke about that.

Step #3 Then on sunday I knew I wanted to do new material at Schuba's, so I hung out by myself from 5 to 8 trying to get a set list together. Most of that time I surfed the internet and hung up some clothing.

Step #4 Finally I got bored so I went to Schuba's early. Then while I was eating my veggie burger I ended up writing a lot of filler material around those two concepts, about the contents of women's magazines. A lot of my most successful jokes get written right before open mics as filler material.

Step #5 So I perform the material, and the confidence joke gets no response, but the chocolate cake joke gets a little something. But my filler material gets the most response.

Step #6 Then I go to the Globe monday and do the material again, and try a different take on the confidence concept. Really a completely different joke- there's no reference to how the image on the cover of a magazine is destructive to true confidence. This time with the material goes over very well, but I'm in a room of comedians who are very enthusiastic about me as a performer.

Step #7 On Tuesday I go to another open mic, try the stuff again. I can't talk about the cover models of the magazines without things turning unfunny. I try a joke about how the women on the covers always look very sexy and come hither, and also have half of the flesh on their upper arms photo-shopped off, and that's why all the women in my generation are both bisexual and bulimic. Well, no, I try that version on monday and the word 'bulimic' gets a laugh, then I try it again tuesday with the phrase 'body dysmorphic,' which doesn't get a laugh. That makes me a little uncomfortable, because it seems like people get a big kick out of making fun of bulimics (see: the movies set in high schools where the bitchy popular girls throw up their lunches together) and I don't want to get laughs from that.

Step #8 Wednesday I perform at O.I.N.K. at the playground, try that joke again with 'body dysmorphic,' again no laugh. I like the concept, but obviously the joke isn't working, so the joke might go on the back burner for awhile.

Ok, so the process seems to be:
1- Fixate on issue by reading lots of blogs about it
2- Write scathing but unfunny joke about it
3- Write jokes around unfunny joke
4- Go to open mics over and over testing other takes on the jokes I wrote around the unfunny joke.

You know how I'm real lecture-y on this blog? I'm cool with that in this context, but I don't want my inner earnest health educator to take over my standup. So I end up editing out a lot of what I write, and subbing in silly asides where those pissed off earnest jokes were.

It can be hard convincing the audience you're a happy goofy person when in fact you take yourself incredibly seriously.

A Jonathan Coulton song with footage from Heroes, made by someone I don't know:

My Alternative High School Curriculum

-First Aid- at least covering heimlich manuever, stopping bleeding, stitches, rehydration, all the boy scout stuff.
-Car and Bike maintenance
-local and state government structure and players
-money management- at least covering the financial services sector structure, tax forms, living without debt
-home economics- home repairs, clothing alteration and repair, lots of cooking, examination of the food supply structure
-emotional skills- assertive nonviolent communication, dealing with the aftermath of trauma, managing depression, mediating conflict
-human sexuality- lots of anatomy, communication and consent, how medications affect sexuality, fertility cycles and contraception, common ailments of the sexual organs
-research skills- i don't even know, a librarian would have to make up this part
-dance- ballroom, latin, hiphop, modern
-an instrument- guitar, bass, drums, accordion, keyboard. And there'll be a choir.

and then math, science, english, history, foreign language.

Don't worry, I'm not going into education. It's obvious my kids would be pretty good next door neighbors, but might not do so well on standardized tests.

I've been listening to pandora.com a lot, and the one radio station that has really been good at predicting what I'd like is the magnetic fields station.







Melancholy can be a really good time.

I don't have news for you. I'm working on some new material about women's magazines. I made a pot of lentils and rice last night. Events are unfolding as you would predict.

My Sister, Our Opinions

My sister Bridget is fighting with me about Miley Cyrus. We also disagree about abortion, feminism, illegal immigration, scotch, worthwhile bands, the entertainment value of board games, fat acceptance, and I'm sure many subjects we just haven't stumbled upon yet. We do agree about Ayn Rand, and John Hodgman. We also agree there were major missteps in our upbringing, but we don't agree on what those missteps were.

Bridget is continuing her general pattern of being wrong. It's nice that the internet has provided another medium for us to fight through. Used to be you had to be in the bedroom next to hers to fight, and then you had to come home for thanksgiving to fight, then you had to use your cellphone under the guise of 'catching up' to fight, but now with the internet we can fight at all hours and in any location.

I am going to have it out with Bridget about Miley soon, but I think two posts are enough blogspace for the topic. Hopefully when we finally settle this Miley thing I can also get my brown purse back.

But let's get to the positive. One of my history teachers from high school is retiring at the end of this year, and that's reminded me of how very lucky I was when I was a teenager. I mean, I thought my body was physically repellent, and I never got enough sleep, and I ate junk food constantly, and I never did my homework, and I was full of rage. But I didn't cut myself, and I wasn't addicted to anything, not even coffee. (I should've started drinking coffee earlier than I did, in retrospect.)

So it was a miserable period of my life, but I survived it, and key to my survival was that my parents took my intellectual ability very seriously. That's why me and Bridget think our opinions are worth broadcasting over the internet.

My parents acted as if the opinions of their kids were worth debating and talking about. They also always acted like we could tackle adult books. Then they made the effort to send us to high schools were the expectations were that every student would be incredibly smart and go to an ivy league school. I did not do that, because I was generally not a good student. It took me until the last two years of college to figure out what being a good student was about.

Teenage girls are receiving messages from tv, magazines, and their awful peers that the traits that are desirable for them are : prettiness, skinniness, docility, consumer identity, and social ability. Acting like the ideas in their heads are what interests you about them is very powerful.

Mrs. Boatright ran her classes seminar style, and let her students pick the last topic of study in her 'Current Issues' class. So I always had at least 45 minutes a day where my opinions about the class material were the most important thing about me. My sloppiness and extra weight were not issues on the table. Then my parents were very good about being interested in my further opinions about the class material when I came home, although they usually both disagreed with me. You don't need to act like your teenage girl is correct in her assessment of the world, you just need to act like her assessment is worth listening to.

I think taking a kid seriously is a very valuable gift to give to them. Then when they enter the working world and find out their bosses want to actively avoid hearing any opinions from their workers, they will be angry.

That's all I got. Take a teenage girl seriously today, if you can. I don't know any.

I met Jonathan Coulton!

I did the 10:30 showcase at the Lakeshore. He did the 7:30 show, and it went late. Which was AWESOME for me, because I got there around 9:50 and went right backstage. So I got to hear the end of his set and his encore. Which means I heard:
Re: Your Brains


and First of May


The First of May is of course my birthday, so the whole situation was very appropriate.

His audience is SO INTO HIM. God, what good vibes. That's the kind of fanbase I want.

So then he came backstage and I very dorkily told him that I love "Mandelbrot Set" and he replied, "That's one of my favorites too." Because really, what else can you say?



And he gave us local comedians his doritos and mini candybars. And Adam Burke teased me about wanting to make out with Jonathan Coulton, which is a little annoying because that's not really what was going on. That is probably what it looked like.

It would be funny if I had a groupie-career of hooking up with musical comics. My grand feat would be a mold of Weird Al's penis.

I'm going to think hard about how I can use the internet more effectively. I feel like my fans are out there, I just need to a) get good enough that they recognize me and b) make myself more findable. I think my online content needs to be more focused (less brainstormy) and more interactive. Coulton is really good at giving people some control over his work product, by encouraging them to make music videos for it, voting on where he should have a show, and making all his songs available on his website so you can listen to it anytime. So his fans feel invested in his work, and it's more of a community vibe, rather than an entertainment transaction.

That is really cool.
What would you like to see more of on this blog?

My Favorite Missed Connection Ever

I'm reposting the whole thing. I only wish this person was from the California Nurse's Association, then this would be even more Romeo and Juliet.

(Here's the back story, if you're on of those people who generally has better things to think about than union raids.)

Okay, so you're Change to Win and I'm AFL-CIO. I'm part of the established, mainstream labor community and you're part of a radical movement that's either going to destroy organized labor or save it. Raids, bad blood, evil rumors and a historic schism lie between us. But if I may, despite the purple shirt, you are just as fine as you could be. Let's celebrate May Day with some sweet, sweet inter-coalition lovin'.

Was that pretty woman with you your coworker? I'm glad you're part of an inclusive workplace. Please tell me she's not your girlfriend. I've already lost you to Andy Stern; I don't think I could lose you a second time.

Maybe you saw me. I was there with several colleagues. That's why I was too shy to say hi, because folks where I work spit on the floor when your union gets mentioned. Doesn't matter, because I want to have your tall, brown-eyed red diaper babies. We can stay in union hotels and never sleep a wink. We can make love in the back seat of a Taurus. Let's show our warring factions what true collaboration looks like. With the force of our passion, we can pass EFCA, sew up universal health care and organize Wal-Mart, all with plenty of time left over for, ahem, "collective action."

As we celebrate international labor solidarity on this May Day, I think it's time for you and me to come together.

I kinda think raids are a good thing. At least someone is organizing a big enough workplace that someone else wants it. Like how you know you have a really cool bike when you see someone trying to cut your lock.



Also, I like the idea that women can contribute to a cause by dating the right people. It appeals to my laziness. Unfortunately it's not true- I've dated activist guys, and I never got the impression that my loving was a motivating factor in their activism. Too bad. Also, my experience is they won't get serious about if you're not even more committed than they are. I want an activist who's cool with being the only activist in the relationship- who really enjoys telling me about meetings, so it's actually best if I don't go.

Doesn't every serious person need a frivolous partner? Can't I be the frivolous one?

Hope everyone had a wonderful International Worker's Day! Now get back to planning your International Boss' Day parties.