Personal Shit

This election couldn't have come at a better time for me. I needed to get out of Chicago for a little bit, I needed to talk to people with bigger problems than mine, and I needed to do well at something new.

I've been brokenhearted for almost three years now. Believe me, as much as you may be sick of hearing about it, I am sick of being it. I was sick of being brokenhearted after a week. Every time I made a big transition, I made it thinking it would be the end of the brokenheartedness.

I got into standup because I needed to be applauded, and I needed a reason to put videos of myself dressed cute on the internet. Emergency Success Broadcast System. It didn't solve anything for me, but I guess it was still something to do. It's good to do things, right? Certainly it was better than law school.

I've dated a lot of people while brokenhearted, and even had my heart kind of banged up again. I thought once someone else could hurt me that would mean I was over all that old bullshit, but no.

I guess I'm just not ever going to get over that old bullshit. I'm just going to mourn it till I die. Even if I get the lifelong partner I want, I'm still going to mourn that old bullshit.

I do think I've gotten more compassionate as a result of the heartbreak. I was a real shithead before though.

How does this relate to the election? Because I'm really touched by how nice people have been to me. Especially in Gary, where I'm working now. People are really concerned about my safety, and thank me for canvassing, and call me sweetie and darling. I'm also touched by how much of their lives people will share with me.

I knocked on a man's door today who preached to me. I usually really resent that, but not today. He told me what people's minds can't handle all the things they have to worry about, and that's why you have to give your worries up to God, and let God be the lamp unto your feet. I think that last part is what he said. Basically he told me I was on the right path, and I have to keep trusting that God is putting me on the right path, and not to let the evil in the world get me down, because 'God got that.' Well, I think I've been turning over the same stuff in my head, except calling it 'the universe' instead of God. Who cares what you call it? The message is calm down.

I guess I'm glad there's some part of my life where I feel like a pathetic freak. I guess most people have stuff they are really ashamed about and can't get over. I probably couldn't handle other people's stuff if I didn't have mine.

I've been thinking about that line, "so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost." The loss has had a bigger impact on me than the happy times before the loss did, and it makes me think the whole purpose of that relationship was to experience the loss of it. And it's not a 'lessons learned' situation, although these years have been lesson heavy. I've gotten a little wiser, but mostly I'm just not so sure of anything anymore.

Some problems can't be solved. Other people's problems start to look so inviting.

What are you doing Nov. 4th?

Throwing up repeatedly from one, two, ten too many celebratory shots?

Throwing up repeatedly from one, four, eight too many more years under a republican president?

NEITHER!

Because we are not going to get to wake up Nov. 5th and hurry downstairs to unwrap our new president-elect. The hottest tactics for voter suppression this fall are going to be voter purges, long lines, and republican lawyers at the polls, challenging obviously democrat (i.e. african-american) voters and trying to get them to vote using provisional ballots. Which means for the week following the election you better be prepared to do some activist shit.



Chicagoans, watch this video to see what people in Gary have to go through to vote.

Here's what you need to do to protect you and your neighbor's votes:
1) Vote early, in person. You'll probably have to wait
2) Take election day off and volunteer to get people to the polls on election day (and help convince them to stay there once they see it's a 4 hour wait).
3) Warn your boss you might be taking some sick days in the week following the election to march, sit, or yell wherever we need to so that all the votes are counted this time around.

DAVE! YOU ARE MY HERO!

Dave, Dave, Dave. You are so amazing. Let's hope your home state follows your lead.

How Come I Got Nothing To Say?!

Come on! There was another debate! McCain said concerns about women's health had gotten extreme! Some guy was a plumber somewhere, then it turned out he wasn't! Bill Clinton was in town! Why aren't I blogging about this shit?!

I have nothing to say. Only that you only have three weekends before the election to knock on some doors.

Here is a poem by Elizabeth Bishop. I just became aware it existed.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Off my Chest

The type of personality activism attracts has some really admirable qualities, but let's face it, some problematic qualities too. For example, the tendency to use the word 'problematic' when you mean 'shitty.'

Activists love to lecture. Love it, eat it up, do this pantomime of martyrdom so other people will let them lecture them a bit. I'm included in this. Duh, especially on this blog. But it's AWFUL. I think it's as destructive as yelling at someone. The minute you start telling someone what to think is the minute they mute you in their heads.

One personal challenge for me with this election is that I'm getting talked down to a lot, from people on all sides. One guy said, "You're young, have you ever heard of entitlements?" Yes, I know all about entitlements, and how the term has actually been used by courts, and it's status as a buzzword for republicans. And I know that social security and the mortgage interest tax break are the major entitlements left in America, and that welfare was specifically ruled not an entitlement, so spare me your outdated spiel on cradle to grave. So conservatives talk down to me. But then this morning I had a woman explain, "NPR- that's National Public Radio." What the motherf*ck? Do you think I'm from Iceland or something? So liberals are talking down to me in ridiculous ways also.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I am cranky today, and ultra-sensitive to the ways people are not doing right by me. So it's time to remind myself: the suffering I feel at being talked down to is the suffering 99% of the world feels, and suffering I have wrought on others in my privileged universe. Poor people, people of color, other women, old people- everyone except that 50 year old corporate white male lawyer at the height of his prime gets talked down to constantly. So asserting my status as educated, knowledgeable, intelligent, not to be fucked with, doesn't change anything. Instead I have to listen to others, because listening builds a better way of interacting. I have to be present with others, and look for their talent, gifts, and knowledge.

OK, go to it Carrie.

Yard Signs

We don't have them. You have to go to the website and buy them. This is actually not a screwup, this is the plan. I know this is very upsetting.

We don't have yard signs because they are a distraction right now. No undecided voter is persuaded by a yard sign. Yes, even if you pick up thirty and make sure everyone on your street has them up. The most effective way of contacting an undecided voter and swaying them democratic is knocking on their door and talking to them for 5 minutes about why you are voting democratic. The next most effective way is a phone call. Us having yard sign means we spend all day handing out yard signs instead of recruiting volunteers. We don't want your yard or your money; we want an hour of you making phone calls to undecideds.

I'm guessing maybe a week and a half before the election there will be a yard sign blitz, but there has been NO hint from higher ups that this is happening. I am just guessing.

We did indeed have yard signs last week. A guy bought them all for us, ten thousand, and they flew out the door. See, the office would have to buy the signs to hand them out for free, and that would be a waste of money and time for us. We don't even have extra mugs in the office, so we aren't going to buy yard signs.

Same for buttons and bumper stickers. I had to volunteer for a week before I got a button. So if you do a volunteer shift one of the field organizers might grease your palm with a bumper sticker.

A Good Article..

...about the structure of the campaign.

I hate debates

Everyone in the office is watching the debate on a projector. I tried to watch it. I watched about 5 minutes and felt very stressed out and disgusted. What was with the real time audience reaction lines at the bottom? What the hell, we're all supposed to be armchair analysts now? I found myself drawn to that yellow line signifying 'independents' at the end of every sentence. That's so gross.

I don't like the basic lie about debates- that the candidate's views should be important to voters. It's their affiliations that matter. What groups are they beholden to? Are you a member of a group that one of the candidates is beholden to?

Why am I volunteering for Obama? Because there are a couple of thing I want to be a part of accomplishing over the next eight years. The first is I want there to be a big increase in the number of Americans who are union members. The second thing is I want us to have single payer healthcare- ie. socialized medicine.

This is not Obama's platform. This is MY platform. Obama is explicitly not for socialized medicine. Obama is not running around telling people they need to be union members.

If McCain becomes president both of my goals will have to be forgotten about for another 8 years. If Obama becomes president groups will immediately mobilize around both of my goals. If Obama wins, it's just the beginning to getting my two goals accomplished; if McCain wins I can't even begin.

So I guess that's why I'm so uninterested in what these guys say on tv. I guess it matters in that the undecided voters I talk to are watching these debates.

The Polish Ladies

I'm working in Parma, Ohio, which is known for being a Polish place. It's working out to my advantage, because older Polish ladies and I get along like gangbusters. I think when I knock on their door they say their wayward grand-daughter. Serbian ladies and me also have quite a chemistry going.

One surprise about being here is that the woman who is so upset about Hillary not being on the ticket she might not vote at all is actually not an internet myth, like the cellphones popping popcorn. I never met anyone like this in Chicago, but here in Parma there are lots of ladies who feel pretty angry about it. You can tell it's a really personal thing for them- the sentiment I hear a lot is that Hillary worked her whole life to be well-qualified to be president, and then this younger guy came and snapped it up. Regardless of whether that narrative is true, I think it's telling about the personal experiences of older women in the workplace. These are women who did get screwed in terms of pay, promotions, and recognition in their careers.

I think I'm discovering my inner second wave feminist in Parma.

For The Record

I love Meatloaf.


I love Queen.


I love the line, "Tell your girl, like Doritos, it's nacho cheese."

Help your Field Office

All the cliches about campaigns being staffed by young, fresh-faced men and women who never sleep and never get to shower and end up eating junk food because it's the only food around the office are TRUE. So true. I got to my office at 9:15 in the morning (I was late), the staff had been there since 8:50, I left at 11 last night- they weren't even close to leaving! They were PARKED, with some beer and indian food, all on their laptops, compiling data or something. I bounced.

I recruited my first volunteer yesterday. I couldn't believe it. From the outside volunteering for the campaign looks awful. The truth is it gets addictive. Once in awhile someone's mean or stupid to you, but there are lots of small victories to get you hooked. Like, "Whoa you're coming in to volunteer because of what I said?!"

If you aren't going to volunteer, may I suggest that you stop by your field office anyway? Take a look at their 'wish list,' which I think all field offices have posted on the wall, and go to a thrift store to get them some more phones, or office supplies, or toilet paper. Actually, don't buy the toilet paper at a thrift store. Also a large amount of coffee, sugar, creamer, a bigger coffee pot. My office is going to need a much bigger coffeepot because out of state volunteers are arriving now. Or bring them food. A woman brought us chili and cornbread yesterday, and a veggie tray. It was so awesome. If you want to bring food, I would suggest real food, not sugary stuff.

Check what your office needs first before bringing stuff- at Camp Obama someone said their field office had an espresso maker. For the record, my office still needs an espresso maker.

But volunteer. It's rewarding once you start to feel like you know what you're doing. If not knowing what you're doing scares you, come to the Parma office and I will talk you through a couple of phone calls. On the off chance McCain wins you are going to look back and say, "I should've done more!" And WHEN Obama wins everyone's going to take credit for it and exaggerate their involvement with the campaign, and wouldn't you rather be the person rolling her eyes at the posers?

Haters

Oh if only the Chappelle Show skit "Hater's Ball" was on youtube! Take a moment to reflect on what you remember about the skit. I mostly remember the outtake that showed as soon as cameras were rolling Charlie Murphy started shaking back and forth.

I had an upsetting phone call last night that threw off my game for awhile. We were calling more undecided voters. So I call this woman, ask her what issues she's concerned about, then tell her I'm concerned about economy and healthcare. At which point she launches into a speech about how the president doesn't actually have any power (someone needs to tell Bush that) and the gov't will never give us universal healthcare. So then instead of DISENGAGING I say, "Well it's not that I think Obama would just give us all healthcare, but under an Obama presidency we have a chance of keeping on him and demanding it, like people did with Social Security." Which prompted another speech about how social security gets abused and her brother in law gets disability because his legs are messed up but why can't he get a sit-down job and her mother gets social security but she still needs to work because it's so little and that's ridiculous she's been working all her life. So finally I said, "Alright, take care" and she said "Ok, take care sweetie."

Now, who knows how she'll vote or if she'll vote. People talk crazy all the time. But still this woman's logic bugged the crap out of me. Because of all the straight HATING in it. So what if your brother in law gets disability? If qualifying for disability is the best thing that happens to him he has a pretty shitty life. What a personal hardship for you, to watch your family member get a disability payment you don't think they deserve.

I spent a year in a law office working on worker's comp and social security claims. There was not one file where I would've traded places with the client. It's not like they were all missing arms- but no, I don't want chronic pain caused by repetitive motion, nor do I want a chronic cough caused by all the paint some people's jobs make them breathe in, nor do I want carpal tunnel. I don't want to be on a vacation in pain being reminded of some stupid job I had 10 years back.

People's lives are so shitty, and sure, they know it, and they'll tell you about it, but if you try to go the next step to suggest that they could change the system so no one has to have a shitty life, they'll go on an on about how other people DO deserve to have shitty lives. Just not them.

The reality is that Americans work too much for too little money because we have agreed to do so. We'd rather gay people have super shitty lives, or that women who have unplanned pregnancies have super shitty lives, than do something to make our lives a little less shitty. Because Americans are straight haters.

Deep breath. Some Americans are straight haters. Some Americans have to have episodes of hating before they calm down and start looking out for themselves.

Don't worry about all this negativity, I'm just processing so I can frame this election in a way that won't drive me nuts.

More Undecideds

I canvassed last night. The first house we visited offered a really good use for the word 'ramshackle.' As in, you had to step over a bunch of tools and plywood to get to the door. Then a man rolled up in a car and yelled, "Who are you looking for? What do you want?" Then he told us "we don't like that guy," about Obama. He was jonesing for a fight. So we beat the crap out of him. No, we thanked him for his time and went away.

I've noticed people like holding out on canvassers about who they're voting for. If you ask, "Have you decided who you're voting for this fall?" everyone inevitably just says, "yes." Then you have to say, "Do you feel comfortable sharing that with me?" or (as will be my new policy) "who's that?" What do I care about their comfort? I'm canvassing in the rain.

No, that's not a helpful attitude.

Lots of people who didn't know who they were voting for, and also didn't know what issues were important to them. My response has become, "Most people I've talked to are really concerned about the economy and I'm really concerned about healthcare, because I have really bad health insurance." Then INEVITABLY they say, "Oh yeah, I don't have health insurance." Then why isn't that at the top of your list? It's a pretty important detail in your life, that you can't go to a doctor.

Ok, I'm being kind of negative, when actually it kind of excites me. Because I think most people don't get asked their opinions enough. Don't get me wrong, most opinions are thought up on the spot and are pretty crazy. Mine are usually that way, at least. Like, all of a sudden I feel very intensely about gender roles on reality shows, and I can cite all these examples that support my point, and it's absolutely true, and then if you replayed my monologue to me in a month I would be all "what the hell was that?" That's because I've always lived with the assumption that my opinions are interesting to everyone else, but a lot of people don't live under that assumption.

So now I have this delusion that I'm a heroic canvasser whose questions lead people to the realization that the personal is political, and that their thoughts on issues are as important as the thoughts of people on tv. But I need a heroic delusion to motivate me to do anything.

And it is true that my insurance sucks.