This election couldn't have come at a better time for me. I needed to get out of Chicago for a little bit, I needed to talk to people with bigger problems than mine, and I needed to do well at something new.
I've been brokenhearted for almost three years now. Believe me, as much as you may be sick of hearing about it, I am sick of being it. I was sick of being brokenhearted after a week. Every time I made a big transition, I made it thinking it would be the end of the brokenheartedness.
I got into standup because I needed to be applauded, and I needed a reason to put videos of myself dressed cute on the internet. Emergency Success Broadcast System. It didn't solve anything for me, but I guess it was still something to do. It's good to do things, right? Certainly it was better than law school.
I've dated a lot of people while brokenhearted, and even had my heart kind of banged up again. I thought once someone else could hurt me that would mean I was over all that old bullshit, but no.
I guess I'm just not ever going to get over that old bullshit. I'm just going to mourn it till I die. Even if I get the lifelong partner I want, I'm still going to mourn that old bullshit.
I do think I've gotten more compassionate as a result of the heartbreak. I was a real shithead before though.
How does this relate to the election? Because I'm really touched by how nice people have been to me. Especially in Gary, where I'm working now. People are really concerned about my safety, and thank me for canvassing, and call me sweetie and darling. I'm also touched by how much of their lives people will share with me.
I knocked on a man's door today who preached to me. I usually really resent that, but not today. He told me what people's minds can't handle all the things they have to worry about, and that's why you have to give your worries up to God, and let God be the lamp unto your feet. I think that last part is what he said. Basically he told me I was on the right path, and I have to keep trusting that God is putting me on the right path, and not to let the evil in the world get me down, because 'God got that.' Well, I think I've been turning over the same stuff in my head, except calling it 'the universe' instead of God. Who cares what you call it? The message is calm down.
I guess I'm glad there's some part of my life where I feel like a pathetic freak. I guess most people have stuff they are really ashamed about and can't get over. I probably couldn't handle other people's stuff if I didn't have mine.
I've been thinking about that line, "so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost." The loss has had a bigger impact on me than the happy times before the loss did, and it makes me think the whole purpose of that relationship was to experience the loss of it. And it's not a 'lessons learned' situation, although these years have been lesson heavy. I've gotten a little wiser, but mostly I'm just not so sure of anything anymore.
Some problems can't be solved. Other people's problems start to look so inviting.