Free Write

I went through some very intense moods yesterday. They were triggered by work, but nurtured by some restless sleep and those beautiful, natural, hormonal changes.

I worked out last night, and it helped some. But while the working out was happening the emotions were even more intense. I listened to all the saddest songs I could find on my iPhone. (Wait, what right do I have to bad moods when I own an iPhone? None at all.)

Then I went over a friend's house to watch a movie, which started out really really funny, but I was laying on their truly fantastic couch, and fell into a luxurious sleep.

Hmm, so the end is I feel good this morning. That's all. I still need to see "Fay Grimm."

It is comparatively warm today. Like, thirties? Oh thank you Jesus. We really appreciate it down here.

I checked weather.com and they say it's ten degrees. So I guess it's just my HEART that's warm.

I am really into college acapella groups this week.



I like the idea of the over-achievers at Yale spending their free time on acapella. It honestly makes me like them, and I am extremely uncomfortable with people who are good at school. Someone has to arrange acapella covers of pop songs, and that's got to take so much time! And you just know all these kids are neuroscience majors.

Surprising Union Movie: The Pajama Game

I can't remember why I netflixed this movie, but it turns out it's about union pajama workers winning a raise. And about how very badly management wants to screw union members.

Doris Day is the head of the grievance committee, who gets fired for breaking company property after her management boyfriends busts up a work slowdown. Despite being torn between the love of her life and her union, she sticks with the union.



Industrial conflict in song and dance! What could be better?

Christ, what are patterns for!

Some incomplete deep thoughts on my relationship history:

1. I fall headlong for dudes who are living lives I want to live. Which is why I've always been a sucker for anarchists and vegans and people covered in their own filth. I'm going to call this 'aspirational dating.'

2. I don't date people I would normally be friends with. Not that I don't enjoy their company, but they never spring from my friend group. I like my friends to be much rowdier than my boyfriends. I have always been much much much rowdier than my boyfriends. I've always been way more into parties, and karaoke, and sex talk, and dancing, and acting a fool than anyone I've dated. So I've always had to tone it down, and then I start being nervous and weird.

3. So it's become a little mind experiment for me, whenever a romantic experiment has concluded, to pick out what personality or lifestyle traits that boy had that I want for myself.

4. I stop writing the minute I like someone. I don't know why.

5. I am starting to think of other people as chemical baths. Like I'm some hard metal which is being refined and improved through these chemical interactions.

6. Being single, while stressful, is much less stressful than being in some romantic situations.

7. I think I'm moving towards the person I'm supposed to be.

8. I think I would be ok not seeing anyone for awhile. I mean, watch out for the next whiny blog post from me in a week, but right at this moment I think I could spare a couple more years of hanging out by myself. I have reason to suspect I have an extended window of fertility, so why rush it?

9. I'm not going to have a happy relationship until I quit the aspirational dating and start dating my friends. But I'm not mature enough for that yet.

Not to put a damper on things...

....but is there really a tv audience for watching Joe Biden slow dance with his wife?

The Point.

A lot of this blog is me staving off loneliness. You notice how I'm always talking about loneliness? Am I lonelier than most people or am I just whinier? Maybe those traits are feeding into each other.

I don't feel lonely at my job. I really love that about my job.

I know the easy answer is, why don't you hang out with some other people when you feel lonely? That solution can go either way. Yeah, I could feel better, or I could feel even more defined and separate and scared. It depends on the people.

And the thing about the election (see: previous blog entries about Gary and heartbreak) and my job is that there is a point to those connections. We're not in the same room for the fun of it.

My social life is intention-free, and that makes me feel lonely. It isn't a complaint about the people I hang out around- they are a varied and interesting and charming group. But my social life doesn't feel like it's building anything.

This also has to do with the impermanence of my living situation, and social groups, and really everything about my life. My body doesn't even look the same way it did 6 months ago. My daily routine is totally different. My hair is pretty much the same.

On the romance front- I can't seem to build anything. Either the other person isn't on board or I'm not. So across the board, my romances do not turn into people I could call to help me move something heavy.

My horoscope told me to consider this quote: "Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." Said Vaclav Havel, playwright and former president of Czechoslavakia.

So what makes sense? Not this blog entry, for one thing.

Babies.

I really want a baby in my life. Where does a young woman with next to no babysitting experience get contact with babies? Besides using my reproductive facilities. Believe me, I'm tempted, but that should definitely be the last resort here.

A Lesson I Need to Relearn Every Week

If you practice things, they get easier.

After a week of reading books I've already read before, and writing 4 paragraphs, a friend presents me with the cd full of original songs, with an attached zine, in a cd case he screenprinted. Maybe there's 500 people who do 90% of everything that gets done in this world.