Happiness is a warm warm thing. Soft, also.

The new lolcats is awkward family photos.

I saw 'Star Trek.' They really went for broke, right? I am into it.

"As Wallace noted at a 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College, true freedom 'means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.'"- from the profile of David Foster Wallace in the March 2009 New Yorker.

A little earlier in the week I was intrigued by the idea of 'Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder' mainly because that would be a nice label for 3 years of my life. What some psychiatrists propose is that after a traumatic event some people get locked into being angry bitter haters, and that that should be considered a syndrome the way post traumatic stress disorder is.

I like it because naming something a disorder removes judgment and responsibility from the person for their nutso, and if there is one thing I think is helpful for achieving an emotional consistency that resembles sanity it would be eschewing responsibility for your emotions. The worst part of being angry is wanting the angry to be over. Good people feel angry momentarily and get the hell over it, and the rest of us miserable freaks cannot seem to lose our knapsack of grudges. Good people make life unbearable for the rest of us.

Sometime this winter I stopped being an angry bitter hater about one particular grudge, and I'm not sure why. I had been desperately trying to shake it for awhile. If you have a grudge which is wrecking you, I have no advice for how to make it go away. Maybe it's just about giving it enough time, maybe it's about finding new people to hold grudges against, maybe it's about 'building a fulfilling life,' (but I really don't think that's it- what does that even mean?) maybe it's about blogging about your grudges, maybe it's about trying therapy, stopping therapy, trying therapy, stopping therapy, etc. I have the impression it was completely out of my control. I was locked into bitterness and that felt totally out of my control, and now I am not and that was also not a choice of mine. The brain chemicals reordered themselves.

And that's why I'm inclined to call it a disorder. But I was not 'treatment resistant' when I was in it. I knew the way I felt about how unfair the world is was messed up. I knew I was pummeling myself and acting out in all kinds of ways that didn't make me happier. I was really desperate for treatment. Oh the self help books I read! Oh the theories about mental health and self-actualization I had!

The only advice I have is for the people who are not currently trapped in being bitter haters. It's not helpful to tell people to buck up. It is helpful to say, "Of course you are so angry! That was unfair and awful what happened to you! Of course you can't get over it!" That frames Pissed McBitter as a reasonable person instead of a crazy person, and reasonable people have choices for how they manifest their emotions, and crazy people do not have choices- they just act and act and act.

If you are currently suffering Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder, I am sorry to hear that. You got some rough times ahead still. Whew.

Gay Marriage is Unnecessary Because it's Purpose isn't Owning Women

Sometimes bigots like to show all their cards.

This most profound aspect of marriage--protecting and controlling the sexuality of the child-bearing sex--is its only true reason for being, and it has no equivalent in same-sex marriage. Virginity until marriage, arranged marriages, the special status of the sexuality of one partner but not the other (and her protection from the other sex)--these motivating forces for marriage do not apply to same-sex lovers.

by an Asshat, published in the The Weekly Asshat

THAT'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. Marriage has always been about ownership of uteri, and let's not forget the arms and legs and capital accumulation attached to those uteri. First your dad owned you, then your husband owned you, then you were set on fire. (Hey, I'm not beating up on South Asia here, Europe also has a storied history of setting inconvenient women on fire.) The only difference between me and Asshat's worldviews is I think if some queer people want to make a go of transforming an institution which was sexual slavery into an institution of freely chosen kinship they should get to try. I don't know if it'll work. Some straight people have been trying their damnedest to transform it, but they still can't seem to get through people's heads that by signing the marriage license you didn't sign away your rights not to be raped and beaten.

Marriage sucks. I can't believe I've been conned into writing two blog posts and marching in the goddamn rain for it. Queer people, can we get this excited about job discrimination? Because all those white states are states where it's ok to fire someone for being queer or coming off as queer. Or for your boss being a closeted queer who can't deal with it and puts that shit off on you. Which is easy and fun because you likely do not have union contract to protect you. And it all comes full circle.

Prop 8 is Upheld, Which is both Expected and Deeply Obnoxious

When it comes down to it, it's not cool to let the majority decide what the rights of a minority should be. The preservation of minority rights is actually the main thing the courts are any good for. Sometimes we need a check on majority-rule democracy, and so we have a very un-democratic judicial branch to remind the majority that hey, there are some rules we're operating under that you can't mess around with. Like equal protection under the law. If the majority had no checks on it, the police would still enforce segregation and blacks and whites couldn't marry each other and there would be different employment classified ad sections for men and women.

So the California Supreme Court doesn't feel like doing that right now, and yes, there is some very reasonable justification for their inaction having to do with the sacred differences between an amendment and a revision. A lawyer could lay out why this distinction is so precious. I have chosen not to be a lawyer, so fuck it, you're a bunch of wimps California Supreme Court. You're all yeller.

In the spirit of not being yeller, here's a standup set of mine which is queer as heck. It's not for people that don't want to think about the particulars of my sex life.


And then here's a sweet essay by Phyllis Lyon about how she and Del Martin got together, and how they ended up being the first gay couple in California to get married. I think this sentence is really funny: "Luckily, each of us had just gotten a new pantsuit."

At 7 tonight there will be a protest at the Center on Halsted, so that's something to do if you need to blow off some steam.

Some Thoughts on Slacktivism

Obviously I am going through a grouchy phase regarding political engagement, proven by my visceral thrill at that David Foster Wallace passage yesterday. So here are my thoughts on an article about 'Slacktivism' which are particularly grouchy, and perhaps in a week or a month or a year I will completely agree with this article. I don't hold a lot of faith in the consistency of my viewpoints.

So Evgeny Morozov asks some questions about whether incredibly easy, internet-based political actions (facebook groups, online petitions) do any good at all. Being completely ineffective at persuading anyone with power that a cause is building momentum and they better hop on the train or be sliced under its wheels, the only good which could come out of these slacktivist actions would be to recruit some people to do real world things that have an impact. And Evgeny suggests that those lazy shits who join facebook groups do not end up doing real world things because they are using their internet activism as a cop-out to avoid the heroic actions of sit-ins and spitting in cop's faces. 'The lazy generation' would rather shop and surf then AFFECT REAL CHANGE, those entitled slobs.

But in actuality, people will not do what they are not asked to do. And there are professional organizers who make choices about what they will ask people to do. And if you, in the fervor of hope for a better world, put yourself at the mercy of a organizer and ask how you can be a part of CHANGE, please do not expect your saliva to be finding a home on a policeman's uniform anytime soon. Expect to be handed a sheet of fifty phone numbers. Will you be asking 50 people to get arrested? No, you will not. You will be asking them to make more phone calls. Also, they will overwhelmingly say no. If they're home when you call.

Political action provides about the same thrills and stress levels as searching for an apartment does. It is tedious and annoying, and there are almost no opportunities for public heroism (and when there is a politician will take it). I think most people are itching inside for someone to tell them what to get arrested for. People desperately want some meaningful thrills in their life- but activist groups value powerful friends more than thrills for their members or volunteers. That's smart, I guess, and the people making these decisions know what they're doing, but it does mean if you are a halfway normal person with some friends and a dog, you will have more meaningful things to do with your time than be an activist.

You can call people lazy all you want, but if people are not taking over government buildings it's because the professional activists running the show don't want people taking over government buildings.

What do professional activists want out of people? They want their phone numbers, emails, and addresses, so they can ask for money and volunteers to make phone calls, generally to ask for money (or to turnout votes, sometimes). And sometimes people are duped into giving them these things over the internet. I was duped about two months ago into signing up with a group to be alerted should the opportunity to confront the police and defend the weak arise. That opportunity has not arisen, but an ethical cell phone plan the group would like me to purchase has.

Despite the vitriol of this blog, I do think organizers know what they're doing, and making those phone calls does something, and probably the ethical cell phone plan does a little something too. But let's recognize that calling people lazy is not as useful as identifying the incentives that guide their behavior. Ok, great. Glad we talked.

Oh God, David Foster Wallace.

"It's hard to get good answers to why Young Voters are so uninterested in politics. This is probably because it's next to impossible to get someone to think hard about why he's not interested in something. The boredom itself preempts inquiry; the fact of the feeling's enough. Surely one reason, though, is politics is not cool. Or say rather that cool, interesting, alive people do not seem to be the ones who are drawn to the Political Process. Think back to the sort of kids in high school or college who were into running for student office: dweeby, overgroomed, obsequious to authority, ambitious in a sad way. Eager to play the Game. The kind of kids other kids would want to beat up if it didn't seem so pointless and dull. And now consider some of 2000's adult versions of these very same kids . . . Men who aren't enough like human beings even to dislike—what one feels when they loom into view is just an overwhelming lack of interest, the sort of deep disengagement that is so often a defense against pain. Against sadness. In fact the likeliest reason why so many of us care so little about politics is that modern politicians make us sad, hurt us in ways that are hard even to name, much less to talk about. It's way easier to roll your eyes and not give a shit. You probably don't want to hear about all this, even."

* The Weasel, Twelve Monkeys, and The Shrub

Obligatory Disclosure: I didn't even read this essay, I just found the quote on the internet. And yet from such a humble origin it describes my experience of the world better than I ever have.

Show Tonight, Show Tomorrow

I have a show tonight at the Hungry Brain on Belmont at 8. Hannibal Buress, Prescott Tolk, and Adam Burke (and me). And it's FREE. And that's kind of a travesty, because those guys are big deals.




And then it's Chances after. It's always a big thrill when Chances rolls around.

Then tomorrow is Chicago Underground Comedy!

All I wanted to do this weekend was practice guitar. Which is weird because I am terrible at it. I am bad in the way you would be bad if you took up an instrument at 26 with almost no musical training, save for two years of piano lessons. But now when I have the house to myself I flood it with the discordant sounds of my awful guitar 'playing.'

Because I wouldn't torture my room mates with that, but I am willing to torture the neighbors.

Podcast, Shows, Sudden Rise in Hits


It turns out the way to experience a sudden rise in traffic to your blog is to list celebrity names.

John Lithgow
Conan O'Brien
Kanye West
Giselle Bundchen
Barack Obama

Done and done.

I did Brandon Wetherbee's podcast last night, You Me Them Everybody, and it was a nice visit. He is really good at asking people questions. I do his show next week on monday at the Hungry Brain on Belmont- with Hannibal Buress, Prescott Tolk and Adam Burke. That is a crazy good line up.

This friday I'm performing at the Lincoln Lodge's Dwight Nights celebration. Those shows are always crazy- the restaurant gets so packed and the energy in the room is super high. I'm looking forward to it.

Also, tonight there is a show that I do not perform in, but am going to go see, because it will be really good and it's a benefit for Equality Illinois: The Gay-La at the Center on Halsted. The Puterbaugh Sisters, Cameron Esposito, Dan Telfer, and musical improv by Recapitulation. It's 20 bucks, but what the hell, if you don't spend that on benefit comedy shows you'll eventually spend it on gum.

Rachel Maddow, who everyone loves, I also love.

AfterEllen came out with their Hot 100. I respectfully disagree with their picks.

1. Portia DeRossi- really, really funny woman. But she has too much hair for someone so skinny.
2. Jennifer Beals- The L Word is over.
3. Lena Headey- I don't know who this is.
4. Leisha Hailey- yeah, ok, now we're getting somewhere. The L Word is still over, but she made Yoplait THE yogurt for gay bridesmaids, so she should be in the top ten.
5. Sarah Shahi- I am not personally into her, but objectively she is an ideal sexpot.
6.Rachel Maddow- Should be number one. If only for the unexpectedness of her media stardom! Or if only for this picture:

But why won't MSNBC let her on tv looking like this?
7. Tina Fey- Alright, also very funny. I won't hate.
8. Sara Ramirez- I guess her storyline on Grey's Anatomy is pretty important. But again, way too much hair.
9. Angelina Jolie- No.
10. Gro Hammerseng- She's an athlete? Then it makes sense I was not aware of her existence.
11.Kate Moennig- Yes. I would be into Angelina Jolie if she was more like Kate Moennig.
12.Kate Shelley- This is the fifth L Word cast member on the list so far. Which would be fine, except Kate Shelley before Daniela Sea? No, no, no.
13. Kate Winslet- ho hum.
14. Eliza Dushku- hum ho.
15. Ellen Degeneres- should be number two! She is a butch Covergirl! Who thought that was ever going to happen? She confronted John McCain about gay marriage! She is a vegan dyke who is nonetheless beloved by everyone in this great nation! Also, the website is named after her.

16.Kristen Stewart- This is the girl from Twilight. No. No. No. That is a Mormon novel. Mormons got Prop 8 passed. Have we no principles?
17.Jordana Brewster- still exists.
18.Clementine Ford- I haven't gotten to the L Word seasons where she's on, but her mom's sitcom was funny, so why not?
19. Olivia Wilde- plays a bisexual on tv. Good enough.
20. Tegan Quinn- It must suck to have your sister who looks exactly like you nonetheless place significantly higher on a hotness ranking. If I ran the list I wouldn't have let them be separated, to protect their feelings. Because I am very protective of the feelings of women I don't know besides everyone on the list who I opposed the inclusion of. (Sorry Angie.)

Everyone's preferences are their own and are valid, and every woman is beautiful in her own way. But not my way. Too much hair and makeup in the top twenty for me. But a fairly high percentage of funny women, and that is appreciated.

Dr. Phil wants to talk to fake bisexuals.

via AfterEllen

What a shitty thing to do.

I'm not angry as long as I see a casting call like this tomorrow (because I check out the Dr. Phil casting calls every day):


Is your teen a fake heterosexual or homosexual? Is your teen seeking approval by pretending to be exclusively attracted to people whose genitals fall neatly at one end of the spectrum? Has your teen pretended to be heterosexual/homosexual because he/she thinks you think it's acceptable? Has your teenage daughter pretended to be heterosexual to avoid attracting disdain?

But Dr. Phil is the guy who thought the best way to intervene in an abusive marriage was to have the woman's family berate her for staying and tell her she was immature for not putting her kids first. I guess the great scourge of female mental health is a belief in your own autonomy.

Carol Ann Duffy

I guess there's an interest in poetry stirring up within me. At the news that the new poet laureate of England was the first woman, the first openly queer, the first Scot, and the first mother (by extension making her the first queer Scottish mother) I looked up some of her poems. This one is a nice one for mother's day- especially if your mother is a queer Scot, or maybe the mother of a queer Scot.

Before You Were Mine

I'm ten years away from the corner you laugh on
with your pals, Maggie McGeeney and Jean Duff.
The three of you bend from the waist, holding
each other, or your knees, and shriek at the pavement.
Your polka-dot dress blows round your legs. Marilyn.

I'm not here yet. The thought of me doesn't occur
in the ballroom with the thousand eyes, the fizzy, movie tomorrows
the right walk home could bring. I knew you would dance
like that. Before you were mine, your Ma stands at the close
with a hiding for the late one. You reckon it's worth it.

The decade ahead of my loud, possessive yell was the best one, eh?
I remember my hands in those high-heeled red shoes, relics,
and now your ghost clatters toward me over George Square
till I see you, clear as scent, under the tree,
with its lights, and whose small bites on your neck, sweetheart?

Cha cha cha! You'd teach me the steps on the way home from Mass,
stamping stars from the wrong pavement. Even then
I wanted the bold girl winking in Portobello, somewhere
in Scotland, before I was born. That glamorous love lasts
where you sparkle and waltz and laugh before you were mine.

Birthday!

I'm 27 today! I've been writing this blog for 3 YEARS now!



26 was a trip. Things that happened since my last birthday:
1) I moved in with my roommates on May 1st last year
- which taught me a lot about gardens
- and queer dance parties
2) I visited New York and Boston to do comedy
3) I was jobless for two months, during which time I
- watched the olympics with David and Andrew
- got really freaked out about comedy and attention and controversy
- dated women
- went to therapy
4) I kept going vegan for 2 days, and then eating fried chicken
5) I went to Ohio for 3 weeks to volunteer for Obama
- which confirmed I am not that interested in political gossip, especially debates
- but I do like being around groups of people getting excited
6) I got hired really suddenly to work in Indiana
- which was more fun than Parma because the people said less crazy things and were more excited
- and somewhere in this I never got around to going back to therapy
7) I bought a car
- from my room mate, but it has worked out great.
8) I started organizing
- and I wasn't very good at it
- but it gave me a heroic delusion, which I needed because I was feeling so bad about comedy
- then I dated a man again
- which was fine
- and in between the joblessness, volunteering, and buying the car and lots of gas I racked up a bunch of credit card debt
- and I gained a bunch of weight
9) I quit comedy
- because of the bullshit
10) I came back to comedy
- because there's bullshit everywhere
11) I became disenchanted with organizing
- and feeling like I couldn't get anywhere with paying off the credit card wasn't helping
12) I quit that too
13) And now here I am! I only did one of the goals I laid out in last year's birthday entry. But I'm thinking goals might be overrated.

So looking forward, what's up? I might be a little too old to buy into life as a rocket hurdling forward. I have no clue what this next year will be like. Whatever happens, I'll be fine, until I'm not. Maybe I'll become a big star this year. Maybe I'll die of swine flu this year. Maybe both!

Any birthday I can celebrate without flu symptoms a great one. Happy birthday to me!