Newborn Blog, Wrapped in Swaddling Clothes

I started another blog for me to write about queer stuff. That way, if you are not interested in queer stuff, you can read this blog and not the new one. The new blog's name is stupid stupid (the first stupid meaning "very," the second stupid meaning "stupid"): Queer-bot in Chi-ville. You can suggest other names. I am not gay married to it. I just like saying "Queer-bot." The blog's address is chiqueer.blogspot.com, which is much more on point.

Also, how do I put the "Older Posts" link at the bottom of the page?

The Feeling of Angry

When I feel angry I feel it in my upper arms and shoulders. They feel warm and alert. Not quite tense, but ready to get tense.

I also feel it pulling my upper lip up. My eyes get droopy.

I haven't had much success with anger. I've never had the response to my anger be a change I wanted. Maybe it's my cultural place, or maybe it's the same for everyone, or maybe it's how I express it, but anger has only meant trouble for me.

Supposedly if you learn non-violent communication you can express your anger in a constructive way. Well, a big problem is no one else has learned non-violent communication, and even if they have no one else wants to use it that moment. If you can really control yourself you can transform their violent responses into non-violent constructive responses.

That is not what my upper arms get warm for.

Anger sprouts up from fear. Easy enough. Get yourself in a situation where you aren't afraid, your old angers will also slink away.

What to do with these emotions that careen you from problem to problem, barely giving you time to appreciate the scenery? Express them, when they are a figment of the chemicals in your brain, and by speaking them you have made what could've been temporary a permanent fact?

Maybe anger doesn't sprout from fear. Maybe fear is anger subsumed. Maybe the choice is in your self-description- "I am a fearful person" versus "I am an angry person." "Many things make me anxious" versus "Many things piss me off."

I haven't had a lot of luck with anger, but nor have I had a lot of luck with fear. Both have foiled me.

When I feel afraid I feel it in my chest, below my throat. And in my hands. And in my knees.

The activists will tell you you don't need to choose anger or fear, you can choose powerful action. I don't buy that. This world is intent on killing every single one of us, and it will get us.

So in the end, what kind of an asshole are you going to be? The blowhard or the whiner? The psychopath or the neurotic? Believe me, at some point you will be an asshole again, and failing to plan is planning to fail.

Things That Delight Me/ Things That Scare Me

DELIGHT

candy
dogs
horses
bike riding
strawberries
dancing
peonies
nachos
creative nonfiction
bread with butter
karaoke


SCARE
mysterious bodily pains
other people's success
dying alone
the specifics of who else would be there when i die
dragonflies
prison
bosses
returning phone calls

DELIGHT AGAIN, SO WE END ON A HIGH NOTE
overshares
musicals

Play by the Gender Rules...

...or you will be punished.

The headline says, "lesbians, others" but it wasn't all the lesbian women that got put in a special wing, harassed and called names, it was all the women who looked masculine. I think that's an important distinction.

A masculine woman is too much of a challenge to the power and privileges of dudes. A feminine woman dating other women- well, still kind of a challenge. But not a scary enough challenge to keep it out of music videos, evidently. Two women feeling each other up must not be scary at all, because they use it to sell beer. But a woman who opts out of long hair and tight clothing is so scary that she can't even be allowed to exist in pop culture. When Katy Perry kisses girls, they are spindly legged, big boobed, big haired, painted ladies. The most masculine woman on the L Word wore a pound of eye-liner.

I guess I had to relate this back to pop culture because the pop culture stuff is much less scary than the reality of how people who break the gender binary will be punished if they wind up in a situation where they don't have the power to stop it, like prison. What can you say about that? How do you fix that?

No, really, I'm asking: how do you fix that?

I really Hope This is True.

"The Powers That Be literally stand on their dignity. Nothing takes away their potency faster than deft lampooning. By refusing to be awed by their power, the powerless are emboldened to seize the initiative, even where structural change is not possible. This message, far from being a counsel of perfection unattainable in this life, is a practical, strategic measure for empowering the oppressed. It provides a hint of how to take on the entire system in a way that unmasks its essential cruelty and to burlesque its pretensions to justice, law, and order."
-Walter Wink

It would render a major conflict in my life moot.

Oh man oh man oh man.

Summer in Chicago is as good as winter in Chicago is horrible. When it is summer in Chicago all the food you eat tastes great. All the shows you see are fantastic. Every dance party is sexy. Every protest you attend is meaningful. The people you encounter are charming enough to give you crotch spasms. Everything is surprisingly affordable. Or if it's not, you can sit out on your front porch with a 6 pack and have some good times.

From November to May everyday I thought, "I cannot put myself through this again." And now that it's summer I think, "Could I give all this up?"

I mean, people, I am in such a good mood. In such a crazy good mood. In such a good mood I worry about the crash that's got to follow such a blissed out sunshine and jellybean day/ week/ month. It even turns out I have enough money to pay my bills. Can you believe it?! What is going on here? Did someone reverse-curse me?

Also, Beyonce. Beyonce Beyonce Beyonce. Who finds a new creative way to be naked-er in every music video.

I am Wearing a Dress that I Love

It is from a thrift store.
It fits me perfectly.
It has an adorable flower print.
It is the perfect A-line.
It makes me look like I am someone who works out.
In no way does it make me look slutty.
But it does make me look sexy.
But like it has nothing to do with the dress.
I love this dress more than "The Wire."
I love this dress more than ice cream.
I love this dress more than sunsets.
I love this dress more than Kanye.
I love this dress more than white russians.
I love this dress more than my new apartment.
I love this dress more than nachos.
Like a puppy, this dress is a heartbreak waiting to happen.