I'm not gonna front..

...this was a bad week. This was an extraordinarily stressful week.

In response, I played guitar a lot this week. I also cried, not while playing guitar.

And I thought about this summer, and how one could get out of town for a little while, maybe with continuous employment. Any suggestions?



Don't I deserve some tropical setting for awhile? Don't I deserve language immersion, being hit on constantly because people think american women are slutty, losing weight because people don't eat even half as much?

Don't we all deserve exotic, perspective changing travel? Too bad for all the people already living in those places.

Slogging. That's what I'm doing now. There's no good reason for me to be in this city, except for all those good reasons I identified in the fall, but they look wilted next to the thought of ditching it all. Oh god do I want an endpoint in sight. An endpoint and a beginning. A marker. A marker besides a birthday.

I want to feel excited, not stressed. But maybe I can deal with feeling neither for awhile. I don't want to have another u-turn. That's what crazy people do. I'm too old to even be thinking of escaping. I'm too old to be anything besides content.

Grrr-oss.

I lost my wallet

If you find it, and are googling me (and what a saint you are!) please email me at carriefromcleveland@gmail.com. I will give you 50 dollars and the karma will probably net you thousands.

Shambles

Well I'm seeing a therapist again, and we were talking about how everything feels like it's crashing down on my head, that there are all these material problems I just can't seem to solve. She asked what I do to take care of myself, when I do in fact need some taking care of, and I had nothing. I just don't take care of myself. I don't know what it is I do take care of. But no, I create lives that are very uncomfortable, and I live that way until I go nuts.

Take my computer problem. I got a hand-me-down computer from a friend. Stroke of luck! Well, really, generous friend and luck. But then the computer wouldn't sense the mouse. Then it would but the mouse would only go up and down. Then I got a new mouse and problem solved! But then the wireless adaptor wasn't working. So then I bought a usb one of those. Then the cd rom drive wouldn't read the installation disc. Then I opened up the computer and made sure everything was plugged in tight. Then, still, nothing. Then I found out that it was a vista glitch and found how to edit the code to make the disc drive work. Then the usb wireless adaptor was installed. Then...nothing. A tech friend of mine says I have to download the new vista drivers for it to work, he thinks. But without an internet connection on that computer that is difficult.

Now, this is just the sort of stress that would happen if we lived in a world of only good, thoughtful, considerate people who were thinking of our best interest all the time. In fact, it is partly happening because of my friend being such a good thoughtful person. And I'd rather have this stress than not have this stress, because at least this stress involves a free computer. But earlier in the week, especially when some other stress happened with a dog I love a lot, I was flipping my shit.

These situations are when you need basic comforts. These situations are when you need a foundation of a comfortable bedroom, flattering clothes, food you like, books and music you like, a clean house, enough sleep, not being sick, etc.

Whenever I tell someone I'm stressed out, they invariably tell me it makes sense I'm stressed out. I'm darn near broke, I just went through a breakup, I don't have computer access when I need it for a class I need or I can't go to grad school, I don't have a stove and I don't get mail. But if we went back to last winter, I was flipping my shit then too, even though I had a job, because I was in my car 11 hours a day and had also just gone through a breakup. And then the winter before that I was flipping my shit because I worked for assholes, and was living with an asshole in a basement apartment in a new city. And then the winter before THAT I was flipping my shit because I was frantically trying to come up with an entire new life plan. And then the winter before THAT I was in motherfucking law school.

So, yes, winter sux, indubitably. But I also live in a REALLY stressful manner. I do really stressful things, I have impossible ambitions and standards, I participate in stressful relationships, and I live in stressful environments.

And on the flipside, I always think I'm being a lazy shit. Not that someone who was lazy couldn't also be reliant on stress.

This was all a roundabout way of telling you I rearranged my bedroom so that half my bed is not covered in computer parts. And I made a peaceful corner of peace for myself, where only peaceful objects can live. Comfort and Luxury and Pampering and increasing my sense of material entitlement from here on out. I will create only easy-peasyness for myself, then I will be able to deal more effectively with the difficulties that randomly coalesce from the outside world. Because I will not be stretched to the breaking point with difficulties I created for myself.

And on that note, I am getting a massage tonight. Harrumph.

My Computer Sitch is a Bitch

To recap, my computer was gone, came back, was gone, remains gone. Which sucks because I'm in this online math class. Which I signed up for knowing that my computer was not reliable, but counting on the fact that I was in a relationship with someone with a reliable computer.

Not smart.

So trying to get access to a computer for this course remains a problem. Because there are these big files to download, the math book chapters, and my room mate's netbook won't download them.

It's frustrating because I have constant access to the internet when it comes to email, or this blog, or facebook. I just can't seem to get to what I need to get to for this class.

This feels like the unsolvable problem of my life right now.

Oh, and I've had a cold. So really, truly, all together now, poor me.

Ack.

Someone make me do my math homework. Someone make me do my math homework.

I do believe the point is that I make myself do my math homework. The lesson is, "Hey 27 year old! Do what you need to do!"

YuckO.

Slacking Quick Hit

I borrowed my ex-room mate's computer to do my online class work. For sure, signing up for an online class when I knew my computer was on it's last legs was one of the least forward looking decisions I've made in awhile.

That means I need to not be messing around on the internet right now, I need to be doing all these problems, STAT.

But the internet sings to me it's siren song....

What is extra nice about borrowing this computer is that she has really great music on it.

In other news, I bought Benita a rope toy, and I did all my laundry. Good on me.

Jesus, the Application is in

I biked to get my final letter of recommendation, then I biked to the UPS store to make a copy, then I biked it to the school and turned that ish in! Oh man. So glad that is done. Then I bought a new planner. And having a planner is really nice, filling it up with everything you're gonna do is so nice. Then I cooked with my friend, and chopping and kneading is so nice. It was a good, good day today.

We made soup, and now I have leftover soup to heat up in the microwave. Not having a stove has really gotten me down, and I'm grateful to have leftovers to reheat.

Tomorrow I will go to work, and I will maybe do my laundry, and then do my math homework. Life is clipping along.

I am feeling more nervous about having applied to one school. But it's the only school I want to go to! It's the only school that makes sense! I just hope they reciprocate the sentiment.

Comedy Buddies

I performed at Bootleg Comedy at Cagney's tonight. It was a really fun show. Ricky Carmona made this heckler look straight up foolish, and the whole room got energized off of it. I hung out after the show, which was comforting. It's weird to think how long I've known some of these people. I've known Bob Palos for almost 3 years, and we only see eachother at comedy shows. And I feel a lot of affection for him, and enjoy seeing him, but know almost nothing about who he is outside of comedy. It's a really nice continuity to check in to.

Then me, Ricky, and Adam Burke walked to Fullerton to catch the bus, which was a bad, bad idea since there is 35 feet of snow outside. But they are both quick witted, so it was the most enjoyable hike through snow drifts I've had in awhile.

I'd like to point you to two different case studies illustrating why men in relationships should not ride motorcycles:





Your widow might have to sing AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS! Big fancy houses can hold lonely hearts.

First Day Out

Well, I'm pretty surprised, because I'm in a good mood. Maybe it's because the birth control hormones are out of my body. I'm completely obsessed with Jonathan Coulton songs right now, which is very weird for breakup coping music. It's usually Elliott Smith and Sleater Kinney, not:



I bet it's being off of bc. Man, screw pharmaceutical companies. Why aren't there very expensive scientists finding ways to stop my cycle without making me so angry? It's like trading really bad PMS for really bad PMS all the time.

Also being very effective today. Finished that final personal statement, sent it and my resume to the UPS store to get printed, so I just have to bike over to get my final reference and put it all together in a neat little envelope and bike it to UIC (I'm not trusting the mail on this) and I HAVE APPLIED TO GRAD SCHOOL! So pray that I get in and can go, because obviously this process is a little too much for me, and the thought of doing it again next year is....I was going to say terrifying, but no, I just don't want to. I'm not terrified of having to, I just would rather not.

Saying it's terrifying is a little more compelling, right?

I've been jogging with Benita, and even with only a week of it I can jog continuously farther than I would think. 3, count em 3 BLOCKS. Isn't that amazing? For me, I mean?

I coerced someone into replacing the steel strings on my guiatr with nylon ones, and it is so much better. Bar chords don't seem totally impossible now.

I'm learning to play this:


Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

Newly Single

Well, I had a breakup today. This was my 8th breakup, although also my second longest relationship. Which tells you that I generally have short relationships.

Breakups are like the Chicago winter. You'd think the more you go through the better it would get. No, no, no. Each one is freshly, dazzlingly crappy. I guess with each one my expectations of how sensationally crappy it will be get more realistic. Meaning extreme.

Oh, and yes, right in time for Valentine's Day, but I don't feel like hatin' this year. If you have a sweetie-pie, kiss and snuggle and buy them something nice. That's what sweetie-pies are for.

I'm going to spend my new free time at open mics and learning to play Jonathan Coulton songs on my guitar. Also, on saturday I'm hosting an Erotic Fiction contest at The Whistler!At 7! And it benefits Chicago Women's Health Center!

So come on down and get turned on.

The Doctors are also The Morons

I'm watching 'The Doctors' which is some Oprah spin-off show. It's a really silly, stupid show, so I need to turn off the noise, BUT they must have gotten a memo on how to drive me specifically TOTALLY NUTS.

They're talking about putting stickable rhinestones on your shaved pudenda. But instead of saying that they, these medical doctors, are referring to it as "vadazzling your vajay-jay." And applying these rhinestones "down there."

EVEN WORSE, when the female doctor decides to act like a goddamn adult she says, "you can stick these on your vagina."

What the hell? You mean you'll stick them on the flexible tube of mucosal tissue that leads to your cervix? No, that isn't what you mean. You are groping for the world vulva, Ms. WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.

GODDAMNIT. Then they start talking about supplements women can take to increase their libido.

Before we talk about increasing sexual desire, how about you encourage women to learn the parts of their own bodies?! How about you talk about the our organs, since they are distinct and function in different ways? How about you clear up what is the what, and use the right words, like vulva, labia, clitoral hood, clitoral shaft, urethra, vagina, urethral sponge, vestigial bulbs of the clitoris, perineum, perineal sponge, mons pubis?

Before we turn to rhinestones with glue on the back to 'spice up our sex lives' how about we try getting our vestigial bulbs puffed up with blood before getting penetrated? What about that, creating conditions where she might actually enjoy intercourse? That could spice things up. How about creating conditions where your loved one thinks their body is worthy of physical pleasure without weird shit like rhinestones?

Men are not sparrows. Your vulva is not a christmas tree and you do not need to put tinsel on it.

I've posted this twice before, but who cares?


Oh god, now they're talking about how fat moms have fat daughters. SCREW YOU DOCTORS. You are not either dumb or mean, you are both.

Up all Night

I'm having the kind of week where I can't fall asleep at night and I can't wake up in the morning. Not good, huh?

But at least I get to watch old episodes of The Dog Whisperer. Now let me concern you some more with some news about my room mate's dog Benita. My room mate had dog motherhood sprung on her by an ex boyfriend who then became a deadbeat dog dad. She isn't living the kind of life a dog needs. So we are actively looking for Benita's forever home.

Who is Ms. Benita? She is a beautiful copper toned, red nosed, probably purebred pit bull. She's about 40 pounds. She is so cuddly, and very people oriented. She'll follow you from room to room. So I suspect she's very trainable. Me and my room mate, however, are not very good trainers.

A perfect family would be with parents who have owned pitbulls before, or at least feel very confident in their dog training abilities. She needs exercise every day, so if you were a Marine type of character who wanted a jogging partner, that would be awesome. We've 'jogged' together (read: jogged a block, walked three) and she reacts really well to it.

Right now she doesn't get along with other dogs or cats. I think if you were great with dogs, and had introduced dogs before, she could join your family and having a pack would be great for her. But know that she rears at other dogs on walks.

She is a BEAUT of a dog though. And very loving. I'm going to be more consistent about training her. After being inspired by three episodes of Cesar's calm and assertive pack leader abilities, I know I can lead Ms. Benita in a transformational process. Or at least keep packing her Kong full of apple pieces. She loves apples, because she's kind of a health nut.

I'm also working, very very slowly, on my grad school personal statements. Ugh, personal reflection for a judgmental audience- NOT FUN. Personal reflection for an anonymous internet audience? Fun.

Trauma

I am going through a rough patch this week. First of all, I have a cold. So, total disaster. Second, there are some relational difficulties in my life at the moment. Which obviously I am distressed enough about to reveal to you, but I am not so completely, desperately miserable that you will get any details. For the purposes of this blog writer/ reader relationship all you need to know is I blow my nose all the time and I am stressed out.

I am also stressed out about my grad school application. That's right, in the singular, because there's only one school I want to attend. So that means only one application, and yet, it is driving me nutso. I cannot complete any of the 4 page long essays they would like to see! I wanted to have it over with by the end of January, and that did not happen.

It's my spectacularly unhelpful perfectionism kicking in. And I just need to act like a paycheck depends on this, and crank it out, and turn it IN, gaddumit.

I do not wish to be frozen by...by what, exactly? Frozen by fear of rejection? Frozen by....insecurity?

I am so frozen I watched the first 4 episodes of Laguna Beach late into the night last night. That has to be the definitive waste of time. Watching an old faux-reality show about kids dating eachother.

You know what I will do tomorrow? I will take a laptop to a coffeehouse at 10, and I will crank out these essays like I'm getting paid. I will get this billshut done, and then I will get the rest of the billshut (tracking down lost transcripts, printing out the online app, assembling the one great application packet to rule them all) done.