Well I'm seeing a therapist again, and we were talking about how everything feels like it's crashing down on my head, that there are all these material problems I just can't seem to solve. She asked what I do to take care of myself, when I do in fact need some taking care of, and I had nothing. I just don't take care of myself. I don't know what it is I do take care of. But no, I create lives that are very uncomfortable, and I live that way until I go nuts.
Take my computer problem. I got a hand-me-down computer from a friend. Stroke of luck! Well, really, generous friend and luck. But then the computer wouldn't sense the mouse. Then it would but the mouse would only go up and down. Then I got a new mouse and problem solved! But then the wireless adaptor wasn't working. So then I bought a usb one of those. Then the cd rom drive wouldn't read the installation disc. Then I opened up the computer and made sure everything was plugged in tight. Then, still, nothing. Then I found out that it was a vista glitch and found how to edit the code to make the disc drive work. Then the usb wireless adaptor was installed. Then...nothing. A tech friend of mine says I have to download the new vista drivers for it to work, he thinks. But without an internet connection on that computer that is difficult.
Now, this is just the sort of stress that would happen if we lived in a world of only good, thoughtful, considerate people who were thinking of our best interest all the time. In fact, it is partly happening because of my friend being such a good thoughtful person. And I'd rather have this stress than not have this stress, because at least this stress involves a free computer. But earlier in the week, especially when some other stress happened with a dog I love a lot, I was flipping my shit.
These situations are when you need basic comforts. These situations are when you need a foundation of a comfortable bedroom, flattering clothes, food you like, books and music you like, a clean house, enough sleep, not being sick, etc.
Whenever I tell someone I'm stressed out, they invariably tell me it makes sense I'm stressed out. I'm darn near broke, I just went through a breakup, I don't have computer access when I need it for a class I need or I can't go to grad school, I don't have a stove and I don't get mail. But if we went back to last winter, I was flipping my shit then too, even though I had a job, because I was in my car 11 hours a day and had also just gone through a breakup. And then the winter before that I was flipping my shit because I worked for assholes, and was living with an asshole in a basement apartment in a new city. And then the winter before THAT I was flipping my shit because I was frantically trying to come up with an entire new life plan. And then the winter before THAT I was in motherfucking law school.
So, yes, winter sux, indubitably. But I also live in a REALLY stressful manner. I do really stressful things, I have impossible ambitions and standards, I participate in stressful relationships, and I live in stressful environments.
And on the flipside, I always think I'm being a lazy shit. Not that someone who was lazy couldn't also be reliant on stress.
This was all a roundabout way of telling you I rearranged my bedroom so that half my bed is not covered in computer parts. And I made a peaceful corner of peace for myself, where only peaceful objects can live. Comfort and Luxury and Pampering and increasing my sense of material entitlement from here on out. I will create only easy-peasyness for myself, then I will be able to deal more effectively with the difficulties that randomly coalesce from the outside world. Because I will not be stretched to the breaking point with difficulties I created for myself.
And on that note, I am getting a massage tonight. Harrumph.