I was supposed to go to the doctor this morning and cancelled the apppointment because it is so uncomfortable outside. But my mother is downstairs and will be angry at me when she learns I cancelled. So I'll just stay up here and blog. I feel sure the decision to cancel was a good one.
I've been feeling a little lonelier at night recently. I realized come february it'll be a year since I've had sex, and who cares, that's nothing, nuns go without sex for 50 years. (Except for all the lesbo sex they're having in secret. ANYWAY.) I've only had one relationship in my life that at the end didn't feel like a nuclear bomb went off. And it's not like that worked because we were so mature and loving about it, I just didn't care very much when we broke up. And so I have been on the lookout for potential nuclear bombs and steering clear to the best of my abilities.
But I would very much like a real girlfriend. A totally real relationship- one without any actually real girlfriends living in new york, without any settling because I'm scared I'll never do any better, one that lasts for the better part of a year, one where we are in love and happy for awhile. One where I think she is such a catch. One where people know us as a couple and are happy for us. One where anniversaries and valentine's day are celebrated. I would like to feel included in that part of human life.
(What about men? I still notice men. But when men are interested in me I always get the sneaking suspicion they are looking for a type of girl that I am not, quite. I am almost her but with all these extra things. And all the ways I am not that girl end up being things I'm supposed to give up.)
Also I would like more money than I know what to do with and to be really hot. These are all things I want. Please purchase them for me.
So in the absence of chasing love or success this fall I have found myself bored. And out of that boredom I have decided to be interested in hippie spirituality. And it's fine. I would really like to have some intense communion with the universe experience. That's another thing you could get for me.
Well, the things you are searching for are also searching for you. I am supposed to be learning how to exist with wanting things I don't have, how to exist with things unfinished. How to sit quietly for long amounts of time. How to not make plans to move to new cities. How to not quit my job. How to not try to be cool. How to not do anything.
Especially now that it is winter and the point of winter is to sleep deep underground for months at a time. Doing stuff is for springtime.