A strength based evaluation

So obviously I'm no shiny new car. I am a used car. But I do think I am a Toyota.

Maybe consumer goods are not the thing to compare yourself to, especially cars, since they lose half their value when you drive them off the lot. And people do accumulate value as they get older. I think. Maybe not.

So people are maybe like wine? Oh my god, stop this. People are like people.

I was in a ton of physical pain today. First day of the period and a day of throwing up. I thought I had the beginning of a migraine so I took my migraine medication when I shouldn't have, because it lowers your blood pressure and after that I kept surprise passing out. Which is such a peaceful experience. It looks dramatic from the outside, but I just experience it as surprise, now you're laying down! Surprise, you're in the laundry pile! Surprise, your foot is in the vomit bucket! And then I took a painkiller for the cramps, which I had to sneak into my body because I couldn't swallow it since I was throwing up, constantly, with breaks that were 3 minutes long. And right after I took the painkiller, before it worked, my hands and legs felt like they were vibrating, and my whole torso was just a wall of churning pain, and I was groaning really loudly, and my mom was holding my hand. IT WAS TERRIBLE. For some reason the vibrating extremities were the scariest thing ever. I wanted to go to the ER, but I thought, well, what are they gonna do that my nurse mom can't do?

But the painkiller and a heating pad on my lower back did eventually kick in, and I did eventually stoop throwing up, albeit in early evening.

What is good about physical pain that passes is that you can be reminded of how awesome not being pain is by late evening. It is so awesome not to be in pain. And you only get a couple of hours of appreciating before you're like, "But there's nothing good here to eat! I have to go to work! I look like a regular person instead of a movie star! IT'S ALL TERRIBLE."

That is true though. Whoever designed this thing life didn't know what they were doing, and I have some notes for them. I hope when Life 2.0 comes out they've caught all the kinks.

Right, well, I wanted to speak about my various strengths, since I spend a lot of time extolling my faults.

- funny.
- good waitress.
- good listener.
- compassionate, usually, with some breaks.
- I get fit pretty quickly with a workout routine. It took me until the late twenties to discover this, but well, now I know.
- Careful.
- Fast reader.
- Good with turns of phrase...(s? turns of phrases? WHATEVER.)
- Good collector of interesting friends.
- even though I hold grudges for a very long time, I do eventually purge the grudge. It takes a lot of work for me, doesn't come naturally, but I still do the work.


That's all I got right now, but that's 10, that's a pretty good list. Oh, number 11, good at making lists.

I have a very good counselor right now. I always feel more hopeful about things when our appointments are over.

I'm trying to increase my self-compassion right now, and several important religious people tell me once I do that I'll be able to be more compassionate towards everybody. Oh, and when I feel compassion towards everyone I'll be really happy. I look forward to that.

I was trying to feel compassion for Japan today, and I realized I was scared to try. With people who are far away, or when things seem hopeless, I don't even want to try because there's nothing I can do and I'll just be sad.

But actually, feeling sad is the main element of compassion. You can't feel compassion for someone else without being willing to feel sad.

GET SAD.

I'm also sad about Wisconsin. But I definitely have a block up against feeling all the sadness about that and SB5 in Ohio because I could work really hard to stop it and it could still pass.

It feels like self-preservation to excuse myself from stopping SB 5. But then again, my friend Justin is a teacher, and he's upset, and I'll end up being really upset if SB 5 passes regardless of trying not to.

Being brave enough to co-suffer. Or trusting that you'll comfort yourself when you make the commitment to co-suffer.

In summation, here is my horoscope for this week:
Your meditation for this week comes from writer H. P. Lovecraft. "What a man does for pay is of little significance. What he is, as a sensitive instrument responsive to the world's beauty, is everything!" While that's always good counsel, I think it's especially apt for you right now. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when you'd be smart to evaluate your own worth based less on what job you do and more on who you are. Practice thinking this healing idea: The soulfulness you embody and express from moment to moment is the single greatest measure of your success as a human being.

Why I never take Vacations


Because they are TOO GOOD and they END. Because they end and you are not spontaneously generating awesome drag variety shows or super hip lesbian bars or natural wonders or great mexican food, you are returning to the land of work and other people working. No Beats, no Chinatown, no crazy scavenger hunts, no city parks, no beach, no buffalo, no unionized strippers, no medical marijuana collectives. No gay country dancing association. None of that.

ACK. This is why travel is dangerous.

If I moved to San Francisco I would be homeless in two days. Because I would have too much fun and stay out all night a couple of nights, and then my money would be gone, and I would just hang out in city parks all day and social workers/strippers (because social work doesn't pay enough for an SF apartment) would dedicate their lives to saving me. There were a lot of homeless people there.

This is why I can't have too much fun. Because the fun will be too fun, it will reveal my true nature, what I really want out of life. And all I will want are vacations. My world will quickly spin apart. Yes, that's right, what I'm saying is that my survival depends on tight control over my own enjoyment.

Well, LUCKILY, I have a standardized test to study for and a doctor's appointment to attend.

Oh, who am I kidding, that stuff is pretty fun too. MY LIFE IS TOO DAMN FUN. Real Talk.