Rad.

Astrology-wise, I have been in and am still moving towards the summit of a period of great blessings and romance. Comforting, right? Life has been good, through the year it's only supposed to get better and better, so I'm a lucky kid.

In the great collapse pf 2010 and subsequent rebirth of 2011 politics has been a running theme. I don't live in a radical way. I eat salty corpse garbage wrapped in plastic. I work to pay rent. My emotional stability has everything to do with the amount of money in my bank account. I have a bank account at a war mongering misery generator, not at a credit union. About 3 years ago I finally got comfortable jay-walking, but I am still a vicious rule follower.

You're supposed to get more conservative as you get older. The opposite has happened in my head. I can now finally appreciate what the college anarchists I laughed and laughed and laughed at were saying. (In my defense, they looked ridiculous. Also, it was so much fun to laugh at them.)

But now I am enamored of the idea that our systems of coercion are collapsing of their own accord. I am especially enamored of the idea that now is the time to build the replacement social systems for when the lights go out. (But I keep paying my electric bill.)

I feel freed up by the idea that I am small fry. That's really what the great collapse of 2010 taught me, that I am SMALL, so very small and also so very stompable upon. It wouldn't take much to destroy me. Just confiscate my money and I'd probably go round the bend never to come back. Shoot my dog? I'm done, I would turn to gelatin on a hot sidewalk.

Small fries need other small fries. Just to feel ok about ourselves, just to have a baseline self esteem, but then of course to get anywhere in becoming less stompable upon we need eachother.

I used to be concerned with my effectiveness. That was a great fear, that I was fundamentally ineffective against "the system," because I was cray-cray, and emotional, and lazy. Now I understand that I am indeed completely ineffective against any system of coercion. They'd be lousy systems if individuals of variable willpower could just buck 'em. I get it. I can only be a little less stompable if I'm right in the middle of a community myself. Where I get to ride on other people's willpower and work ethic and sound mental health.

I know these are all meandering, disconnected thoughts that don't seem to point towards a conclusion. This is why this is a blog post and not a real piece of writing. But to stick a capper on it: I think I get how I can be authentic and radical. I think I get how my faults and flaws make seeking a radical community make more sense rather than less. I think I get how I'm never even gonna get close to being some kind of hero, and that's exactly why I need lots and lots of other people to be heroes for me. (Maybe they'll bring out some kind of heroism in me, I would like that.) I think the tension between my ego-fear and the radical maxims I grew up with is dissolving.

I do hope this blog post isn't used as evidence to commit me one day.