Chasers

When I was a straight girl I always felt like such a failure at it. I remember my freshman year of college my boyfriend had a Playboy subscription, and it bummed me out so bad to realize the girls in Playboy were now my age. Like, shit, this is when I'm supposed to be hottest, and I am so far away from being hot. I mean, my face really looks better with no makeup or natural makeup, and my hair really looks better short, and I look better in loose andro clothing than tight push-your-boobs up stuff.

Still when I try to flirt with a cis-boys it usually doesn't work. When I was coming out I had sort of a complex about it, because I did think, "Wait, am I just interested in girls because I failed heterosexuality?" Because dudes, I did fail heterosexuality. Heterosexuality was the algebra of sexual pursuits for me. Wait, maybe specifically hitting on cis-boys was the algebra. Because you need to master algebra to move on to calculus and what not, and you need to master hitting on cis-boys to move on to...I don't know...roping them into marriage? I'm not sure. Just like I'm not sure what calculus consists of.

But the gayer I get the MORE BOYS ARE INTO ME. It's insane. If I put on a sports bra and a flannel shirt and glare at everybody suddenly a bunch of straight cis boys, who are way cuter than any one of those I dated when I was trying to date them, are huge fans of me.

And honestly, it's such an ego boost and I find ego boosts pretty alluring. And it's not like I don't like being taken out and romanced. I loooovvve it.

But it is the case that when I think about being married and having a baby with a boy, cis or not, I feel my chest clench up. My chest doesn't clench up at the idea of dinner, or dancing, or adult activities, but god the idea of a committed relationship skeeves me out.

Which is funny because when I was dating straight cis boys I would think about marrying them by the second date. And whenever we'd break up I'd be like "GOD WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. GOD I'M GONNA HAVE TO DATE MORE OF THESE MOFOS TO FIND ONE TO MARRY. JESUS CHRIST MY LIFE IS HELL."

Because I really like hanging out with cis dudes as friends. And sometimes they're sexy. But I hate being in relationships with them. I find all the differences between being a cis dude's friend and their girlfriend unbelievably obnoxious. It feels like you lose a lot by being their girlfriend.

Whereas I love how subtle the difference between being a lady's friend and being her girlfriend is. When you're in the kitchen making coffee, it's like you're best friends. And then- bam- no you're not! You're definitely doing things friends do not do. Time has slowed down. You have definitely gained something very valuable. I love that.

So I don't know what's up with dyke chasers. Maybe they're attracted to confidence. Maybe they're attracted to no makeup. Maybe it's the challenge?

But I don't mean to hate on them. The straight cis dudes I've known who were chasers were also really cool guys. The coolest guys, really. The guys I would date if I were into that.

I sort of want straight girls to know that the coolest straight cis guys are into dykey chicks. But then I don't want them to know, because then they'll start dressing dykier and it'll be intensely confusing and frusrating for me. So ignore this straight girls. Keep putting your makeup on and giggling because I need signifiers to know not to hit on you.