Flipping the Switch.
I had a weirdly hard weekend. Noting about the actual conditions placed upon me was hard. But sometime around saturday night/ sunday morning I made some irresponsible decisions about being tired or something, and I paid for it at easter dinner by attacking my family. It was not a good scene.
I think there was too much society to my weekend. I mean, I went out three nights in a row, and all of that going out with new people. None of the nights involved 8 hours of sleep, because now no matter how late I go to bed I still wake up at a reasonable hour.
I'm just digging for some kind of stress building story to explain my easter dinner freakout. I don't like being someone who all of a sudden is mad and attacking people.
It sucks because I thought I had changed a whole lot. Or that the drugs were working.
This is called "catastrophizing:" extrapolating the very worst foregone conclusions from an incident. I have an intimate relationship with this kind of thinking.
What am I in school for if I don't believe that people change their patterns? What am I in school for if I don't believe good people can act very badly, and change intentionally?
It's hard to change when you're tired. It's hard to intend anything if you have worn yourself out.
Sometimes I just feel so far behind everyone in emotional development. Then sometimes I feel light years ahead of so many morons running around. I've been on a streak of not feeling needy and feeling confident about pretty much everything. Now I'm having a relapse of feeling needy but also like I don't want anyone to come around because I don't want people to see all the ugly parts.
It's really ridiculous when I feel this way because usually it's preceded by a lot of ugly coming out all at once. And the people in my life do not jump ship at the sight of ugly, sometimes to a fault.
I've already slept a lot today. I'm gonna try to sleep a lot tonight, and hope my jack-rabbit-inspired-effective-primed-for-success mindset pops up again tomorrow, or maybe wednesday.
Let it never be said I did not feel strongly about everything I could have a feeling about.
I had a weirdly hard weekend. Noting about the actual conditions placed upon me was hard. But sometime around saturday night/ sunday morning I made some irresponsible decisions about being tired or something, and I paid for it at easter dinner by attacking my family. It was not a good scene.
I think there was too much society to my weekend. I mean, I went out three nights in a row, and all of that going out with new people. None of the nights involved 8 hours of sleep, because now no matter how late I go to bed I still wake up at a reasonable hour.
I'm just digging for some kind of stress building story to explain my easter dinner freakout. I don't like being someone who all of a sudden is mad and attacking people.
It sucks because I thought I had changed a whole lot. Or that the drugs were working.
This is called "catastrophizing:" extrapolating the very worst foregone conclusions from an incident. I have an intimate relationship with this kind of thinking.
What am I in school for if I don't believe that people change their patterns? What am I in school for if I don't believe good people can act very badly, and change intentionally?
It's hard to change when you're tired. It's hard to intend anything if you have worn yourself out.
Sometimes I just feel so far behind everyone in emotional development. Then sometimes I feel light years ahead of so many morons running around. I've been on a streak of not feeling needy and feeling confident about pretty much everything. Now I'm having a relapse of feeling needy but also like I don't want anyone to come around because I don't want people to see all the ugly parts.
It's really ridiculous when I feel this way because usually it's preceded by a lot of ugly coming out all at once. And the people in my life do not jump ship at the sight of ugly, sometimes to a fault.
I've already slept a lot today. I'm gonna try to sleep a lot tonight, and hope my jack-rabbit-inspired-effective-primed-for-success mindset pops up again tomorrow, or maybe wednesday.
Let it never be said I did not feel strongly about everything I could have a feeling about.
Labels: feelings
posted by Flo at
12:03 AM
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