Resolute in the Cold

I am having a very ADHD day. I woke up at 9:30 when I had planned to wake up at 7 and be on the road to the airport at 9. Thus my email to my friend who is apartment/cat sitting for me had to include ridiculous explanations of various situations surrounding dirty dishes, sheets not on the bed, etc.

Then I didn't make my flight. So I'm at a Denny's right now loading up on protein by following a breakfast skillet with a strawberry milkshake. I am in no shape, organization wise, to be living out of a suitcase for a week. But I am on my way, and worst comes to the very worst, I'll turn to strangers for help and meet people dealing with much bigger problems than myself.

(That possibility is very very unlikely. Things will be more than fine. I'm on my way to spend time with good people, and no matter how upset they were with me I doubt they would refer me to social services should there be some kind of emergency.)

Tomorrow is the last day of 2012, and even though they say the world didn't end on the 21st I'm pretty sure it did. There weren't many explosions to mark the transition, but you know, who ever said explosions were the most important thing to pay attention to?

It's a new age the way every morning is the start of a new age.

This is a time for hibernation, for long long nights buried under blankets, for fattening up, for not doing much of anything. People in my part of the world don't generally get to follow these instincts. Our livelihoods don't make allowances for seasonal realities. Regardless of how the hearth and blanket call to us, regardless of how the sun does not greet us before our boss does, we are expected to trudge and trudge and trudge.

Part of this trudging is the new year's resolution tradition. In the midst of an unnaturally consistent level of activity, in the midst of slush and darkness, we are asked to assess our approach to life. And given the environment cues, I think it's quite understandable most of us decide there are aspects of our approaches to life that are not working, that must be dramatically changed, that require effort and willpower and more discomfort.

However, my personal experience with change is that the expectation of prolonged discomfort is not a great place to start. It's an approach to change that doesn't work the positive feedback loop. It doesn't build on strengths, it focuses on moments of "weakness." It is an unkind view of the individual, and the problem there is that the kindest assessment of reality is also the most accurate assessment of potential.

I say this all as someone who missed their plane this morning, and who left a sink full of dirty dishes for the catsitter. I am sometimes not an easy person to be kind to. And yet, I am overwhelmingly treated with kindness by my family, friends, coworkers, and romantic partners. It's really something. I guess I just hit on a groove of luckiness somewhere along the way.

But now, I want the kindness of all of you to not go to waste. I'd like to take all those resources and support and produce a life that reflects all that love back into the world, builds on it, rides the momentum, so that there can be more and more people feeling lucky and cared for.

And so, I will also participate in the resolution tradition. But taking into account the reality of the usefulness of kindness, my goals for these resolutions are as follows:

1) they will build on strengths rather than correct deficits
2) they will have a high likelihood of success, but not an assurance of success

Alright, here we go, resolutions for 2013:

- I will keep veggies and protein in the house that can be prepared quickly and with the use of butter, salt, pepper, maple syrup, and all those spices can be made compellingly delicious. I won't keep processed foods that can be prepared quickly in the house, because they will only be a distraction from better fare.
- I will make notes of lucky things that happen to me and keep them in a jar on my altar
-I will have substantive conversations with 10 people doing sex work in Cleveland about their resources, capacity and desire to engage in building a political organization to enact change for the well being of people doing sex work. My goal for these conversations is to identify ways desire to build a political organization could be supported. If it turns out 10 people have zero desire for that political engagement, cool, no desire to be supported, good to know. If it turns out 1 person does, than that is also cool and I have a person who I can work with to support that desire.
- I will continue to be very impressed with how quickly my physical body gets stronger, faster, healthier within days of doing work towards those ends.
- I will notice and be impressed with my listening ability and how that gets better with more and more practice.
- I will notice and be impressed with my ability to calm and disarm fear in myself and others and how that gets better with more and more practice.
- I will notice when I renegotiate agreements that are no longer nurturing the well being of me and the others I've created that agreement with. I will notice when I start from a place of assuming that the people I've made the agreements with want to nurture my well being as much as possible without sacrificing their well being. I will congratulate and be impressed with myself for this.
- I will continue to seek out lots of time with people who are funny and leave me feeling energized and confident. I will treat this time as an important investment in my own growth and the building of a healthy community.
- I will notice and congratulate myself when I find common ground with people who are different from me in ways that I feel scared or annoyed by.
- I will congratulate myself for being truthful in situations where it is tempting to not be. I will congratulate myself on this even when the immediate consequences of being truthful are not so comfortable.

Alright. Well. I just got a text alerting me that I was way late on a deadline I'd agreed to, and I feel like 10 items is more than enough to work on in a year. I hope your new year celebrations leave you feeling lucky and hopeful, and that you drive well on these slippery roads.
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