Curling up in my hovel.

It's about damn time for a blog post. The last you heard from me, I was an eligible single, one of the top ten, the only queer one, which made me the MOST ELIGIBLE QUEER IN CLEVELAND. Really a true honor.

Then I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and to celebrate the thirtieth birthday of the gayest person I know, Megan. She and Amelia picked me up from the airport in matching short white fake fur coats, their faces covered in glitter. It was 10 in the morning.

I blog to sort things out usually, and in NOLA things did not feel like they needed to be sorted out at all. It was very straightforward. Wake up at 6:30, drink coffee and a bloody mary, put on your costume and get to the parade. Nothing to over think.

New Orleans is so pretty, so green, that when I walk around in that city I feel sort of lulled into a walking nap. It's a tourist's perspective. I varied between a little bit manic and intensely relaxed on this vacation.

I'm still in a little bit of a nap. There is no struggle in my heart. I feel grateful to be alive in this moment in history. Maybe I should work on writing about gratitude?

Inexplicably, this is how I feel, even though there's not some long standing friendship that has been transformed into true love. Whatevs. I guess I relate it to unexpected blessings of the non-romantic variety.

A good party can work some magic. I guess if I'm gonna create a lesson out of last week, that's my best bet. A good party can do a lot. A really good one, where you feel some kinship with strangers. Barbara Ehrenreich has a book about this I'm a gonna read.

I guess I've been thinking about deeply human experiences. And I think we are really exceptionally social monkeys, and we need a lot of group activities to not get bummed out. Isolation is the stupidest thing about modern life. All the sitting by yourself. Working by yourself, feeding yourself, just taking care of your own kids. Fending for yourself all by yourself.

I was just happy to be a part of some tribes last week.

Although it has been nice these past two days to sit in my basement apartment. So there is sometimes a case to be made for isolation. If you have a good blanket and some half and half for your coffee.

I hope as we move into March you've had some unexpected blessings pop up, of any variety.

I am an Eligible Single.

Do you want to date me? Sure you do. I have an alternative hair cut, keep a funny blog, and in three years I'll have passed state licensure exams confirming I know how relationships are supposed to work.

I am so very date-able that I even won a contest recently confirming that I was one of the Top Ten Eligible Singles in Cleveland.

You should come to the Kick Start Love party at Dragonfly tonight and meet all us eligibles.

I think over the past year I've shed a lot of fears I've had about being a lousy partner. I had this very strong idea, even before I dated anyone, that I was a difficult person to date and should be grateful for anyone who could put up with me. And now....now I know everyone's really difficult to date. That's pretty much what dating is, bringing out all the difficulties and working through them. Not at first, but that's what being a couple is about over the long haul.

It is true I can be a terrible person to date. You wouldn't believe the stories other people can tell on me. But there's also amazing parts to dating me. And they're linked with the terrible parts, the way it works with anyone worthwhile.

I'm putting this out there in the universe: I want a real girlfriend. I want real intimacy, that builds slowly, that respects both people, the slow twisting of two lives together. I know there are parts to that I'm going to suck at. I feel filled with strength and vigor to keep working on those parts. I feel up to the challenge, universe.

So....yeah. Whenever you're ready.

You look familiar.

So the queer community. Awesome thing, right? Straight people are totally jellz of it. Us queers look out for each other, and attend support groups together, and march together, and when we discover one of our own in a straight environment we are BEST FRIENDS.

Yeah, it's a great thing, this queer community.

Except you know what else we do in this community? We date. And you know what dating people entails? Bad breakups, cheating, hating each other, being obsessed with each other, dropping friends, getting dropped by friends, acting like our worst selves, etc.

You know how when you start to date a guy you might wait a couple of weeks before you meet his friends? And it's a little nerve wracking because you want them to like you?

When you date a girl, you quickly find out you already know all her friends. Because you dated them. Or they're dating your ex. Or they're best friends with your sworn enemy.

In fact, all of your sworn enemies have started a softball team/arm wrestling league/ books to prisoners program/ potluck crafting club together. They're saving the world one frown from you at a time.

Now, I still find it upsetting. I find it upsetting when new friends have bad feelings about old friends. I find it upsetting when I'm the new friend who has bad feelings about old friends.

But I like dating women. And that's the pool them apples are bobbing in. So ok queer community, fine, let's get to know one another. Let's be in each other's faces and each other's spaces and let's annoy the shit out of each other. And if we can avoid fist fights outside the bar on ladies night, I'm pretty sure the Dalai Lama gives us all cookies.

Hi, Monday, Nice to See You Again.

I have a really nice week coming up. I have a new friend to hang out with from Chicago in town. My classes are of course, very interesting and engrossing. And then on sunday I get on a plane to hang out with what are now old friends.

I ran this morning. It was easier than the last time. It still completely blew. I ran more this time, less walking breaks. I'm facebook friends with this lady who will run 20 MILES ON A SUNDAY FOR NO REASON. Since I am still holding steady at 2 or less miles, I.....I just cannot believe 20 miles is possible. Like, in a non marathon setting. Like, without an aid station.

I tried to talk my coworkers out of the 10 mile mud race in April, but it just got them more excited about it. They were like "You have 2 months! Just add a mile each week!" And I was like, "You Mother- Effers."

Yes, I mean I planned it this way, I sought other people to do this with so I couldn't back out. It was a good plan. It's just that fulfilling the plan sucks so hard.

It didn't really suck that hard today.

I will say, while I am "running" I am mostly thinking about running. Like, that's a patch of ice I could break my ankle on, oh look at that my calves are seizing up after a quarter of a block, I wonder how far away my ipod shuffle is from playing "Drunk Girls" again. And that's a really good thing for my brain because I am so very rarely thinking about what I'm doing in the moment. My brain is just too fast and powerful not to multi-task constantly. But surprisingly, not fast and powerful enough for most math. That's society's fault, let's move on.

So I guess I hope to run 3 miles next monday. "Run." I will cover 3 miles next monday. While I am in another city with my friends, but one of my friends did a marathon once so I know she'll come. And then the next monday after that I'll do 4 miles? What? No. I have to be over-estimating. Let's just try the 3 miles next monday and see what happens.

I hate this running thing.

GUYS I'm so bad at it. I look so stupid doing it. I'll go one step further- I look UGLY doing it. And I am not an ugly person, except in my black black heart. But not my face! Except when I'm running, and also when you take a photo while I'm talking.

This was a dumb idea of mine. I'm not gonna be able to run 10 miles by April 15th. UGHHHHHHHH.

What a stupid predicament. This is why you don't push yourself. Because the stuff you're good at and the stuff you're bad at are not mutable, fluid categories. I'm good at joking around, reading fast, and blogging. I'm not good at pounding my legs against concrete for no good reason, or even for a very good reason. If there were police chasing me they would catch me, immediately. And a lot of police are not fit.

ACK I AM SO ASHAMED. My body and it's not being immediately in shape when I want it to be!!! What a terrible terrible thing to be, a body out of shape. Worse than a landfill. Worse than a politician soliciting sex in a bathroom. The worst thing to be ever, stuck in a slow, soft body that gets out of breath and red and also with a brain that gives up immediately.

Gross. Gross gross gross, working at something and not getting any better, or getting better at a glacial pace. At this pace I'll be able to run 10 miles in 2030.

Ok, I'm done for now.

Girl with the Dragon Tat- Turn it off! Turn it off!

I watched the swedish version of "Girl with The Dragon Tattoo" last night. Also known as "Men Who Hate Women." Also known as "Oh my lord my male neighbors are talking at normal volume I better double check the locks and huddle under these blankets."

It was a good movie. It was an EFFECTIVE movie in releasing large amounts of adrenaline into my bloodstream. And no, I did not watch the whole rape scene. Well, there's really two, I watched the first one, and then really pushed myself to watch the second, but in retrospect I am so so soooo glad I did not.

Hey, let me make this really clear. You know how there are some movies that are rated R, but it's really because some people hump and swear in it, and your kid can handle it because they aren't a total moron who doesn't know humping and swearing exist? This is not that kind of movie. If you let your kid see this movie I'm calling child services. It's like letting your kid see Mystic River. Please, let them see all the Chucky movies instead. Let them see Hostel. Let them see Debbie Does Dallas. Actually, don't, I just creeped myself out.

I will say, at least I watched the whole movie. That's happening for me less and less. I can watch 6 hours straight of a tv show, but sitting through a 2 hour movie is becoming hard. I'm halfway through True Grit, and it seems like it's potentially a GREAT movie, but....what if someone said something funny/ decidedly incorrect on facebook? This is why movies on laptops are just not the same.

The only way to bring my adrenaline down to normal levels is to meditate on what is good and true. And ignore the existence of mechanized slaughter in our food system. OH GOD THAT DIDN'T WORK. Here we are, only the french eat these. Actually, the caption says they're going extinct.

I need the highest dose possible of all that is GOOD and TRUE in the world, STAT.



If the world is still a place where Basset Hounds can eat chips and fall asleep, so can I.

Being Single: Everything I've Ever Learned

1. If you're constantly thinking about being single and it makes you unhappy, you may be obsessing due to some underlying depression or anxiety, which very probably has a much deeper cause than you being single. Get ye to a mental health professional and stop reading women's magazines.

2. Some seasons are better for tight pants than others.

3. Young people like old people. So if you're worried about how old you're becoming, know that all the bright eyed bushy-tailers can't see you and your life choices clearly. This is because we live in a compassionate universe.

4. You will be SHOCKED at the number of hobbies you'll run through over the years.

5. You might snore, and don't know it. When someone tells you you will resent them sooooo much.

6. Work on your earning potential.

7. Your exes' opinions on you are as disconnected from reality as your opinions of them are.

8. Keep a blog for your deep thoughts

9. A lot of your anxiety about other things are probably being dumped on your love life. People in couples do this too. For some reason complaining about being single feels better than complaining about being financially insecure, or not knowing what you're doing with your career, or hating where you live. Keep an eye on that anxiety. There probably is a good cause for it, it's just probably not your love life. Unless it is.

10. Regular haircuts are a necessity.

Unfocused Thoughts.

Guys, let's level. I'm having some trouble writing a blog post because there's all these separate strings of thoughts happening in my life right now and I can't think about one of them long enough for a blog post.

1. My new apartment: has internet, has lights, has a coffee maker, had an apartment warming party. It's so nice to have some space to control. I feel like a real adult, almost, except I bought two lime green saucer chairs because they were cheap.

2. Grad school has a lot of reading. I enjoy it quite a bit. My textbooks are seriously good reading. I'm not even kidding or ambivalent in the least about this.

3. My friend Ever Mainard went viral!



4. I've been jumping into all these facebook fights about abortion. Which is probably a HUGE waste of energy, but if you are a guy and you post something about 'when life begins' I just have to call you the biggest WASTE OF NEURONS THAT EVER WAS. When does life begin? All I know is a person is still ALIVE by the time they're able to get pregnant and thus should not have to be investigated by the police for ending a pregnancy. Is that little fetus a human life? Thus should we treat the person carrying that fetus who decides they'd rather not carry that fetus the same as someone who shoots somebody? I don't know, depends on how many people you'd like to have live in our jails. Also depends on whether you feel you're more likely to be the person getting investigated for having an abortion, or a person doing the investigating. Life is not a thought experiment, there are realities that we have to make choices about, and the reality of women dying from unsafe abortions is not some detail you can gloss over in your little philosophical morality play. DO NOT PUSH ME IDIOT MEN.

5. Uh.

6. Jesus christ, sometimes I just get this feeling like if we let dudes run our lives they'd be stoning us and burning us and taking away our farms just for being unmarried. OH WAIT.