Mid Winter Bad Mood

I'm all off right now. All off. I'm on this diet. I KNOW, IT'S THE WORST.

I'm on this food plan which is supposedly not a diet. It's the four hour body diet. Here are the rules I'm trying to follow:

1) eat 30 grams of protein within an hour of waking up
2) don't drink any calories
3) only eat protein and vegetables and legumes, no bread or pasta or sugar
4) no white stuff- so no bread or pasta or milk or cheese
5) i get a cheat day one day a week where i get to eat everything i want

UGH IT SUCKS. And doing this right now....I mean, just take this as proof that I must be feeling very anxious about my body to put myself through this when i love white food so much. Oh, no FRUIT either. No fruit. Nothing good. Except on sundays, when I get to eat everything good.

I'm at this point where I feel like I'm failing to live up to two beauty standards at once. Like, I can't front even for an evening like I'm a hot girl anymore, but mostly just because I look like a butch chubby girl. And then if I pass for one second as a dude, I look like a chubby 14 year old dude.

So it turns out I can't deal with being chubby. After all these years of telling people not to diet and to love their bodies and blah blah blah I CANNOT DEAL. I WANT TO BE A HOT PERSON. BEING HOT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

More important than bread? ARGH. I do not know if bread or hotness is more important to me. That's what I'm discovering at this point.

I feel pretty turned around this week. My restaurant closed so I have to find a new job. I don't have to find one right this second, but I don't trust myself not to blow all my money immediately unless I'm working. I actually spend less if I have to spend some time at a job most days.

If you own a bar or restaurant and need a bartender, I would like to work for you. If you own a particularly fancy bar or restaurant and don't trust that my bartending is up to your standards, I would like to barback for you and learn from your fancy bartenders.

But yeah, you need to be ok with someone who looks like a chubby high schooler of indeterminate gender bartending for you. I don't drink much, in fact I cannot drink anything except dry red wine on this not-diet, so you don't have to worry about where your liquor is going. I am particularly good at old fashioneds and martinis.

Otherwise I'm trying to figure out how to get more stage time. I'm frustrated by how I'm not a lot better at standup. I can't believe how long I've been doing it and how much better I should be at this point.

So yeah, to sum up, I'm incredibly frustrated with myself this week. Frustrated that I seem to be taking so long to grow. Except horizontally, in that dimension I seem to grow pretty quickly.